PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania - Well after months of speculation, Pittsburgh Pirates owner and vice executive assistant director of minor league operations in Latin America, Jamison Desmond Bidwell, has confirmed that the Pittsburgh Pirates are in fact moving to Somalia.
Bidwell told ESPN's Hannah Storm that the team's new home will be in Mogadishu, Somalia, where they will play their home games at Mogadishu's 'Preparation H. Stadium.'
He quickly added, that they have formed a "Stadium Renaming Committee' to look into the possibility of changing the name of the stadium to something else other than it's present name.
Bidwell said that it is just difficult for him to see fans in the stands eating cracker jacks and hot dogs while sitting in a baseball stadium named after a rectal product.
Hannah asked Bidwell if he had considered any other American cities before deciding on Somalia. "Oh yes Hannah," he remarked, "There were actually four U.S. cities in the running to become the home of the Pittsburgh Pirates.
The four cities were El Paso, Texas; Tacoma, Washington; Santa Fe, New Mexico; and Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
But the problem was that none of the cities were willing to put up the tens of millions of dollars in advertising and promotional fees that a move to their city would require.
So we decided that since the Somalian Pirates, the actual sea bandits appear daily in every newspaper in the world, we would move the baseball Pirates from Pittsburgh to Somalia thus taking advantage of the billions of dollars worth of built-in advertisement.
But of course we had to eliminate the four U.S. cities first and we did for one reason or another.
EL PASO - Now we really had a major problem with the Texas bordertown of El Paso. Hannah asked, "In what way?" And Bidwell replied, "Well for one thing El Paso's Pancho Villa Stadium can only accomodate 900 fans.
So that pretty much eliminated them from the running, especially since they said that they would only be willing to pay for the construction of an additional 200 seats.
TACOMA - The city of Tacoma was eliminated because their stadium 'Johnny Appleseed Memorial Stadium' has a strict ban on the sale of beer, peanuts, popcorn, sodas, Alka Seltzer, cotton candy, Pepto Bismol, and programs.
SANTA FE - Now as for Sante Fe. We really liked most of the aspects regarding 'Geronimo The Apache Indian Chief Field.' But it was quickly brought to our attention that they had a definite cactus problem in left centerfield.
I personally spoke to the head groundskeeper, Ricardo De La Lucy, 43, and he told me that he literally tried everything to get rid of those cactus plants, but that they just kept on coming back.
De la Lucy said, "Man I try Spectracide, no work, I try Ortho, no do, I try Roundup, it no happen either.
So then I get me a good idea. I go to my cousin Papaya's house and I borrow her AK-47 (machine gun). I go back to the stadium and I literally choot the ever-livin chit out of the friggin' cactuses...but the damn mofo's still stay right in the same son-of-a-bitching place.
And please excuse my French. I normally do not talk with so much friggin' vulgarity, but my silly ass is worn out by those cowchit eating cactuses.
I then figure that I'll just go over and stomp the slut plants with my Roy Rogers commemorative cowboy boots, that my Tio Doroteo (Uncle Doroteo) bought me for my 42nd birthday and nothing happens.
By now I was at the end of my wits...I was technically frustrated. And just between us, one night I even have my 98-year-old grandmother, Chenchita go over and secretly squat down and pee on the bitch cactus because all my family knows that our grandma Chenchita's pee can kill anything...but the damn cactus just sits their smiling like a friggin' $7 whore in heat.
And man oh man was my grandmother pissed (no pun intended).
Grandma Chencita yells at me in her sweet little Guadalajaran accent voice, "Mijo (son), you come to my casa (home) you wake me up from a sound sleep. You help me get out of my baby doll pajamas. You dress me in an ugly-looking 'Carlos Santana Rocks' T-shirt.
You tell me that I don't need to put on no calzones (panties). You roll me in my wheel chair onto the cama (bed) of your Cheby (Chevy) pick-up. And then you drive me to some God knows where hell hole of a place.
And then you roll me out of the pick-up and you tell me to pick up my T-shirt, and to squat my 98-year-old butt down, and pee on some damn cactuses.
I swear I am so confused...Mijo are you SURE that you're NOT on drugs again?"
De La Lucy said, "The next day, I even called a few friends who grow marijuana plants for a living to see if maybe they can give me some hints but they were also confused like me; except that they were stoned out of their friggin' cabezas (heads), so I give up and the Pirates they no come to Santa Fe.
OKLAHOMA CITY - Bidwell then stated that Oklahoma City really made a concerted effort to lure the Pirates. The stadium is owned by the filthy rich Fumalini family.
And even though they do have a nice stadium it does have some issues. 'Sooner Or Later Stadium' was built in 2001, but sadly, they are still trying to deal with the rabid woodpecker problem.
One of the stadium ushers spoke to me on grounds of anonymity and said that during each and every game at least nine fans are bit by these rabid woodpeckers.
She stated that the Fumalini family pays for the emergency room bills, so it's not like they don't care about their loyal fans.
And the one other thing that caused Oklahoma City to be eliminated was the fact that for some unknown reason the concession stand hot dogs all have a quasi-sidewalk taste.
Chemical experts were brought in from nearby Joe Dimaggio Air Force Base and they took wiener samples, studied them, over and over and they could not figure out where this quasi-sidewalk taste was coming from.
Someone suggested the sidewalk, but the experts from JDAFB all said, nope.
In other news, the Discovery Channel is reporting that George Hamilton, 69 is secretly dating Miley Cyrus.
