CHICAGO, Illinois - After months of countless meetings and endless deliberations, Dallas Mavericks' owner Mark Cuban has finally purchased the Chicago Cubs.
The selling price was not disclosed but Mark Cuban's personal secretary, Mitzi Backowitz told a reporter for Chicago's WGN that she overheard Mr. Cuban say that the amount was $997,829,314.89.
Needless to say there are a lot of unhappy Cubs' fans in the 'Windy City.' One such individual is Cutler Pirandello who told a WGN reporter, "I have been a Cubie's fan for 47 years. I convinced my daughter to name her twin baby boys, Ernie and Banks.
I have 'Cubs King' on my automobile license plate. And my wife of 42 years, Papaya, bless her heart, had the Chicago Cubs team logo tattooed on her bikini line for my last birthday.
But right now I am one mad as hell son-of-gun. I am so upset that I am not going to eat for 14 days. And the reason that I picked the number 14 is because that is the uniform number that 'Mr. Cub,' Ernie Banks wore."
Another Cubs fan Magenta Tacavecki, 61, said that she is worried that Mr. Cuban will take her beloved Cubs and turn them into the 'Clowns of Lake Michigan.' She added if I want to see damn clowns I'll buy a damn ticket to the damn Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey damn Circus."
And Nacho Chorizo, III, a Costa Rican illegal alien who considers himself to be the number one Cubs fan among all illegal aliens in the United States said in his somewhat broken English, "Ease yust nut rite, senor Cuban ease no to good for Cubs...eat ease nutting but bullcheet man, tank ju too many."
Meanwhile Preston Dayrell of Algonquin, Illinois who speaks perfect English remarked, "You know back in September when my wife, Linguina and I were barbecuing duck in our backyard, I turned to her and I said, 'Lingy I am so afraid that if Mark Cuban buys our Cubs he will change their name.'
And my wife asked 'why?' and I said because it's so easy. All Mr. Cuban would have to do is to add an 'A' and an 'N' between the 'B' and the 'S' and viola the name is instantly changed from 'Cubs' to 'Cubans.'
In related news, Mark Cuban remarked to his hair stylist Mr. Fluffy, "You know Fluff now that I own the Chicago Cubs I can do whatever the heck I want to. And the first thing that I am going to do is to change the name from The Chicago Cubs to the Chicago Cubans.
And what is the big deal? After all the Cleveland Browns were named in honor of their head coach Paul Brown. And I am just getting started, my next move as sole-owner of the Cubs will be to drop the Wrigley Field name and replace it with the name of my cute little pet Pomeranian Fido, 'Fido Field.'"
In other news, President George Bush told Katie Couric in a one-on-one interview that he wants to let the American people know that he has decided not to invade another country between now and the end of his term.