Lab results reveal that Canadian kayak specialist Adam van Koeverden, who was heavily-favored to sweep his events at the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, was actually a victim of poisoning.
Following a disappointing eighth-place finish in the thousand-meter race, "I'm sorry" were the only words he could muster as he addressed his deflated countrymen back home.
"Of course, I suspected poisoning right away!" proclaimed his well-intentioned but ill-informed Oma. "With less than five seconds between him and first-place, how else do you explain it? It's quite clear they took away his MoJo."
DNA analysis of van Koeverden's fingernails and hair follicles confirm that he swallowed something akin to Prune Juice prior to the race. "That would also explain the dire expression on the face of the ninth-place finisher," said Oma.