Football referees are to be given increased powers to sanction the ever-dwindling number of professional players committing fouls and cheating.
From next Tuesday, in addition to traditional finger-wagging, FIFA will grant refs the power of reason which also allows them to book players for being a bit rubbish. It is hoped this will lead to a resurgence in controversial decisions during games where crowds have gone comatose as they gradually realise what else they could have purchased for the money.
"It's quite good although we were hoping FIFA would go one step further and introduce a money-back scheme if a player won't do a Cantona kick into the crowd' said Wallace Skint, editor of Fanzine, 'You'll never baulk alone'.
In spite of increased efforts by the likes of Cristiano Ronaldo to re-introduce the kind of mindless violence FIFA require to justify their existence, Mr Skint believes that the emergence of new verbs such as 'To Red Card" are partially to blame for the generally soul-destroying atmospheres at matches these days.
The new powers will be trialled among most Premiership and Championship clubs in the coming weeks and months although it is not thought that the average spectator will notice any change, especially to the pocket.