The world of football was stunned earlier today when it was claimed that celebrity lunatic and drunk, Paul 'Gazza' Gascoigne used to be a professional footballer. 'Gazza' has made his name wearing false breasts, eating Mars bars, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and beating up women. Now it would seem that he found time to play a couple of games of football also.
Sir Booby Robson (108) spoke for the nation when he said "I've always laughed a the lads antics, and always wonder what he will get up to next. This news has come as a shock to me. A footballer, you say? Oh.... Worthter's Original, young man?"
Currently Gazza is in a room with padded walls. It is hard to imagine how he would have coped in the wide open spaces of a football pitch. We asked leading TV psychologist Dr Raj Persaud for his analysis. "I'm just off down the library. Speak to me later and I will have a full analysis, which will be all my own work".
Barmen all over the world are hoping that 'Gazza' makes a speedy recovery. The current economic climate and the death of George Best has meant job loses at the local boozer. Only 'Gazza' can keep them afloat.
There are also rumours that Paul Merson, celebrity gambler and drunk, may have also played football with 'Gazza'. When challenged about these claims Merson said "Bet I did.....oh bollocks!"
