In a brave move, and under pressure from international organisations, the authorities have decided to restore alcohol supplies to Gazza.
A spokesman for Gazza read out a report hastily scribbled with a green crayon on a sheet of white chip paper. He said:
"The Football Association has bowed to severe international pressure and decided to restore supplies of alcohol to Gazza immediately. We feel that Paul Gascoigne is now able to hold his drink properly without either beating his wife or falling over."
Gazza read the following statement in a Newcastle accent that no one could understand:
"Way Aye man. I divna know, like, it's reeeealy greet man. Ooooop in Newcastle, reeet meynd thee divvent stomp in thon kakky man. Ah dooont nab off with owt na more and dooont nausea up things like man. Ah used ta howay doon to the boozah, pet, but nay na more."
