Chelsea Football Club has bought Africa in a deal thought to be worth £50m, a statement released to the City revealed today. The deal, expected to generate up to £20m worth of additional revenue each year through the UN 'Balls to Hunger' scheme, comes at the end of a difficult year for the club.
The new signing will enable Chelsea to play an entire continent in attack, as well as provide Andriy Shevchenko with something he can actually hit in training - most of London's barns have tried their luck, and gone home without a bruised broadside.
African Union officials have expressed mixed feelings towards the move.
"We have a great history in this area of the world," said Cameroon's Paul Biya, reflecting on the sale over a pint in a West End pub. "I did quite like the climate, and it'll take some getting used to living here. The city smells like excrement and the beer tastes watery. Being towed up the English Channel behind Abramovich's yacht was a real highlight for me, though."
The club's squad have welcomed the continent, adding that competition for places both on the pitch and off will only serve to increase their desire to succeed.
Boss Jose Mourinho appeared at a press conference, insisting that the extra 900,000,000 players will not give the team too great a competitive edge.
"It will allow this club to achieve what it should achieve. Greatness. For I am great. And if I am great, this club must be great. For I would fail if it was not great. But it is great. So I am great. See? I succeed with Porto, with only 3 players and 8 donkeys making up the side. I succeed with 11 players. If I succeed with 10 players and massive continent, they say I have won because I had a continent. That is not true. Alex Ferguson did not need a continent. I do not need a continent. I just like one. Because I am great."
The former owner of the continent, Bob Geldof, is said to be delighted at the completion of the sale.