TORONTO - (sports satire) - Due to increased stress, anxiety and high blood pressure rates caused by Game 1 of the Blue Jackets - Lightning series, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman announced that all future Stanley Cup Playoff games can end in a shootout.
"These double-overtimes and triple-overtimes are causing way to much stress among fans. Fans are complaining of increased blood pressure, anxiety and seizure like symptoms. The last thing we want is a lawsuit from the fans. Lord knows we are the one league that can't afford it." Bettman stated in a press conference in Toronto.
When asked how the NHLPA feels about this decision Bettman had this to say "Scre... I mean well, we haven't spoken with them yet but I'm sure they will agree to this plan. I'm sure most players just want to get the games over with so they can go golfing in Florida and Arizona. Seriously who wants to play 4 periods of overtime hockey? It's too exhausting."
Bettman went on to further state that he knows fans will love a SCF game 7 that ends in the shootout. He also feels that shootouts will help attract new American fans that aren't sure about the game.
In related news MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred is considering replacing extra innings with a Home Run Derby contest.