BILLINGSGATE POST: Bill Belichick, head coach for the New England Patriots, announced today that he is leaving the Patriots, effective immediately, to join Green Leaf Cannabis, Ltd.
Belichick, whose resume includes six Super Bowl victories with the Patriots and three AP Coach of the Year awards, called his team and coaches together this morning before a scheduled practice and tearfully announced that he was walking away from all of the adulation and 20-hour work days for this job which would give him more security and allow him to spend more time with his family.
“I saw the handwriting on the wall,” Belichick explained to the team. “Most of you guys can’t function unless you are half-stoned. It was becoming more and more difficult to communicate with you.”
“It has always been my coaching theory that if you can’t communicate with ‘em, join ‘em. So I’m taking my own advice.”
New arrival Antonio Brown, speaking for the team, said that his teammates understood the challenges Belichick would face in his new position and will do everything possible to help him succeed. Brown himself, volunteered that he would personally pledge to buy at least 20 grams a week to help coach get off his initial draw of $2500.00 a month. Quarterback Tom Brady stated that he would pass out Belichick's new business card to Patriot rookies as long as he was a member of the team.
Patriot owner Robert Kraft gave his coach a gold watch and a lifetime pass to Good Hands Massage Parlor.
Slim: “Belichick must be on to something.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Hope he doesn’t go up in smoke.”