Shocking Scenes At Edinburgh Derby Also Really Entertaining

Funny story written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Thursday, 1 November 2018


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Hibs fan, Kermit, lapping up the controversy.

Scottish football was today reacting to the ugly scenes that marred last nights Edinburgh derby between Hearts and Hibernian which, it has to be said, were also quite entertaining.

Hibs manager Neil Lennon was struck in the face by a coin thrown from the Hearts section of fans immediately after goading them, while Hearts goalkeeper, Zdenek Zlamal, appeared to be punched to the ground by Hibs fans. The assistant referee was also reported to have been assaulted by Hibs supporters.

Media commentators and both club's officials have condemned the scenes which were broadcast live. TalkSport presenter and grade-A virtue-signaller Jim White has led the chorus of disapproval, saying it "was disgraceful and these scenes should never be allowed in Scottish football. We should be talking about the football but these moronic kids and idiots' actions have stopped that from happening."

Scottish Football fan Scott Foot said, "talk aboot the fitba? It was nil-nil. If the shit didnae happen that fanny Jim White would definitely NO be talking aboot it. He's said hisself they wir kids. So they make mistakes, they'll learn. Calling people morons and idiots is just as bad, the hypocritical shitebag."

Media analyst Professor Billy Balance watched the game on his tellybox and commented, "no-one condones throwing a coin at someone or violence in any form, but the reaction today from people supposedly in the know is just as hysterical as last night. Getting on their high horse denouncing the 'hatred' and unacceptable behaviour, calling for lifetime bans."

"What they seem to want is a sanitised, family-friendly environment where it's all about the sport on the pitch. While that all sounds perfectly reasonable, it ignores the reality."

"What makes Scottish football good is the passion, is the rivalry and yes, hatred between fans of certain teams. It's far more primal and raw than the English Premier League down the road which is now awash with fortunes of money. That's a product looking to garner as many viewers worldwide as possible, crossing over into family living rooms courtesy of highly-paid, brilliant football players."

"Scottish football, on the other hand, is far less technical, and pretty poor in all senses of the word, so the atmosphere and the whole occasion at powderkeg fixtures like the Old Firm, the Edinburgh derby, the Dundee derby, Rangers v Aberdeen, Hearts v Celtic and so on, are its appeal. It will spill over sometimes - that's passion."

"Basically, the beauty of Scottish football is in its ugliness, how it's constantly on the precipice of a full-scale riot. As long as it doesn't actually descend into one!"

"Last night's football was not great at all, but the event was engrossing entertainment, or gross entertainment. Either way - entertainment."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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