Secret Audio Tape Reveals GOP Culture of Reporter Body Slamming

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Thursday, 15 June 2017

image for Secret Audio Tape Reveals GOP Culture of Reporter Body Slamming
GOP members warm up for a press briefing.

At a GOP auction for bankers and health insurance providers, Paul Ryan was recorded touting the body slamming abilities of certain senators. Apparently the senators and congressmen with the best stats for reporter body slamming auctioned off for the most money: celebrated senator Evan Jenkins brought in a whopping $750,000 for the GOP fundraising event.

GOP leaders have denied that any kind of bragging about body slamming reporters has ever happened--that was until the New York Times released audio tape from the event, then House and Senate leaders were forced to confess, but insisted it was all in jest.

Paul Ryan was preparing to have an ad for a major defense contractor tattooed on his forehead, but took time to talk to the press about the controversial GOP fundraiser.

"The idea that we would really auction ourselves off to special interest groups is just ridiculous, the auction is part of the show for donors, the Democrats have these silly themed fundraisers too. But on the serious side of this issue, the ability to body slam an opponent? Well, our constituents see that as strength against our enemies like ISIS, Russia, and a free press--and there's no shame in extolling our American values."

Reporters and journalists have made claims in the past that there is an insidious GOP culture of physically attacking reporters who persist with inconvenient questions. Those reports never gained much traction until the NY Times tapes.

Now over sixty five reporters have come forward with various stories from the now ubiquitous body slamming, to claims of sexual harassment.

One reporter who only wants to be identified as THX-1138, said he was body slammed twice by Kelly Ayotte outside of a New Hampshire gymnasium when he tried to ask her a follow up question to an answer she gave inside at a town hall meeting.

"I called the cops and when Sheriff Marko 'The Greek' got there he just laughed it off and said I was a wimp for letting a woman body slam me."

Nancy Pelosi led the charge from hyperventilating Democrats who are demanding that DOJ officials launch an investigation into the matter after reports that GOP scouts are now looking for recruits from the wrestling programs of high schools and colleges.

"This is an unprecedented attack on and intimidation of our free press, fortunately there is still the foreign press to shine some light of sanity on our political process."

Newt Gingrich defended the GOP body slammers when he appeared on Meat the Press this weekend.

"This non-story is mere fabricated outrage from the left, but we can actually trace it directly to the Obama/Clintonista cartel and the tone they have set. There is no sport or culture in the GOP of body slamming reporters. It has happened a few time--I'll admit, and in those few times I understand the frustration of our politicians wanting to throw them to the ground whenever reporters dare to challenge the values of real Americans."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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