Rio De Janeiro, Brazil - The Head of the International Olympic Committee announced on Monday that his hard-working team has figured out an interesting approach to dealing with the disgusting cesspool that laps at Rio's shore, also known by its other name, The Atlantic Ocean.
"We have thought long and hard about what to do with all the filthy garbage floating in the bay that surrounds Rio, and cleaning it up in time just does not seem to be an option," said a falsely cheery I.O.C. President Bach, in front of a beach full of reporters, mostly wearing hazmat suits. "So we are here today to announce the inception of an exciting new water sport for the Rio games-The Kayak Condom Scoop! Which we are all really, really looking forward to!"
The sport will pit all teams, from every corner of the globe, against each other all at once. A pistol will start the half-hour long race, where teams in double-kayaks will push off from shore, and race around the bay, scooping up as many condoms as they can with their paddles, and dumping them into a regulation-sized bucket that has been duct-taped to the front of their vessels.
"Teams will be awarded points for each condom scooped up," The I.O.C President explained. "One point for regular condoms; three points for colored and extra large ones; and five points for ones with bumps and ribs, for her pleasure," he told. "Oh, yes, and a whopping ten whole points will be awarded for flavored condoms-although each team will have to prove that it's a flavored condom upon returning to shore, so you are really, really going to want a gold medal in this new sport, in order to get those extra bonus points! So watch out for the Chinese team," warned the red-faced President, "because they'll taste just about anything!"
The I.O.C. has really seemed to think of all angles, in order to make the new sport as exciting as it can possibly be for its inauguration, scheduling The Kayak Condom Scoop on the last Saturday morning of the Rio games. "This is when we anticipate that the bay will be at its most full of condoms-after a long, hot Friday night sweaty boinking," explained the Chief, urging everyone coming to visit the games to participate, "Bang whoever, and whatever, you can get your hands on during the games, and make sure that you either flush the condom down the toilet, or throw it directly into the bay at your earliest convenience. We will have condom catapults set up at various intervals along the shore-please use them, they weren't cheap."
At the conclusion of the announcement, the I.O.C. President took the opportunity in front of the press's cameras to pat a bunch of Zika babies on the head, in an effort to show that the games will go on as planned and that there was really nothing (except for a little hepatitis C for the kayakers) to worry about.