Written by Michael Balton

Sunday, 7 February 2016

image for We want our Super Bowl "L": Roman numeral fans demand
Roman numbers were first used to identify Coliseum parking lots.

New York - After 49 years of identifying its Super Bowl events with Roman numerals, the NFL has switched to modern numbering for Super Bowl 50. But the antique counting system is not going down without a fight. A group of accountants and a quotient of sixth grade math teachers have joined forces to keep the Roman numeral alive.

"II + II = IV just doesn't add up for some people," says Hubert Farfling, President of the newly founded group that calls itself When in Rome.

"That confusion is why the NFL switched to conventional numbers for the first time in the history of the game. They figured that Super Bowl L would confuse the fans who are already drunk out of their minds and confound the veteran players who have been concussed out of their skulls."

According to the experts, this switch will actually hurt Super Bowl advertisers who are paying millions to reach those inebriated minds. "Using capital letters to count significant events is an elegant way to tie products and services to the game's heritage," noted one marketing guru. "Unfortunately, America can't do the math."

When In Rome has leased an advertising blimp which will fly over Levi's Stadium continuously throughout the game. It will flash messages that support the usefulness of Roman numerals. Among the benefits that will be projected:

Roman numerals are biodegradable and dishwasher safe.

Roman numbers blend in with the narrative function of the alphabet.

Caligula liked Roman numeral. Look at how happy he was.

You can't spell love without Roman numeral L.

A switch to conventional numbers caused the fall of the Roman Empire.

If it weren't for Roman numerals, how would you know how old that movie you're watching is?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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