Rooney's Regret at Snubbing Original Hair Follicles

Written by Talking Tic-Tacs

Friday, 6 September 2013

image for Rooney's Regret at Snubbing Original Hair Follicles
Rooney: happy as a pig in shit with new head. Pig: happy as Wayne Rooney in pensioner brothel

Wayne Rooney has spoken for the first time about the emotional decision to effectively give up on his original hair follicles and have a hair transplant.

Speaking to upmarket newspaper The Completely-Dependent, the Manchester United player admitted that he often thinks what might have been if he were to have kept faith with his original hair follicles, "I sometimes think what might have been if I kept me hair folli thingys."

He went on, "I think I would probably be totally bald right now though. It was tough to give up hope on them(original follicles) but I looked ridiculous with the (almost apologetic) slither of hair going round me bald napper." Indeed Rooney did look like a total twonk, which he has now completely turned on its head, so to speak, with his new artificial hair which makes him look like a movie star.(Flashbacks of a Fool)

The England star continued, "I gave them every chance to grow but there was just not enough penetration up there for me fuccles to grow, like."

Rooney then forcibly rebuked claims that suggested his statement released in the summer expressing that he was "angry and confused" with Manchester United manager David Moyes was just a wind up as they are the two most suited adjectives in the entire English language to describe how Wayne Rooney looks, feels, acts and is.

"Er, no. Like" he said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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