Saddleworth Rangers F. C. Season Preview

Written by dulcie gabbani

Sunday, 1 July 2012

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There has been much activity in the close season. The ground at Windy Bottom in Diggle, the home of Rangers since 1921, has had a major makeover for the coming season. The hallowed turf has been relaid, new floodlights have been erected and everywhere has had a lick of paint. Even the secretary Gloria Honeycomb has splashed out on some new lipstick.

New corporate boxes have been constructed on the main stand side, for fans to sit on. The Rangers new owners, Sheikh Anvac and Sheikh Merigid flew into Delph Airport this week to check out on progress. Chairman Algernon Hipplewhite said they both seemed impressed with what they saw. Although Algie doesn't speak any Abu Dhabian and the sheikhs don't speak any Northern he told us, "They both kept nodding their heads and squeezing their wallets, at least I think it was their wallets.

It will be a sad occasion for long time team sponsor Archie Ferret. Archie has sponsored the team for the past eight seasons, and also had the naming rights to the ground, The Stadium of Tripe.

He told us that his tripe emporium,"Offally Good", in Delph, wasn't making the money needed to catapult the team to the next level, but he was confident that the new Arab deal would secure the teams future for years to come.

"I'll still be there at all the games, cheering the lads on, as Ive acquired the catering rights to the tea hut. If you fancy a savoury duck and Bovril at half time, then I'm yer man to come and see".

From the start of the new season the ground will be known as "The Sheik Anvac Arena"

Team manager Ron Blunt has already signed Joey Burton the attacking midfielder and part-time thug from Holmfirth Athletic for an estimated £247. Ron told us "I wanted an attacking midfielder, and Joey fits the bill perfectly".

"He'd only been here for about 20 minutes when he attacked the groundsman who had told him to get off the new pitch, and then he attacked some kid that asked for his autograph".

"Then at training on Tuesday he decked Jimmy Ridell, our local forward and last season's player of the year. The good news is that Jimmy's broken nose will have recovered for the first game of the season".

When asked about the rumoured buy-out by Glasgow Rangers and the prospects for the coming season Ron laughed and said, "In deference to the much-vaunted maxim of the club "Primo pedes" (feet first), I would respectfully contend to suggest that we invariably do our talking on the pitch, But that's just my opinion."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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