Written by Simon Saunders

Thursday, 23 February 2012

image for Chelsea Footballer Punches Seven Year Old Mascot
A football. Defintely not a bomb.

World class philanderer and occassional footballer, Jon Terence, became embroiled in yet another controversy yesterday after punching a seven year old mascot in the face.

The match between Chelsea and Liverpool had to be delayed because of a potential bomb threat with police eventually giving the go ahead after a thorough search of the Stamford Bridge stadium.

However, that wasn't the end of the drama.

As the two teams finally emerged from the tunnel for the match, Terence, 32, could be seen wrestling with Liverpool's mascot, Jack Thievecars, 7, in an attempt to prise a football away from the innocent young boy. Cherub faced Jack managed to give Terence the slip and ran across the pitch only to be pursued by a clearly disturbed Terence.

As the philandering footballer caught first-time mascot Jack, he swung his right fist towards the boy, connecting with his jaw and sending him sprawling onto the turf. Terence collected the ball and sprinted back towards the tunnel, shouting, "It's a bomb! The bloody ball's a bomb."

Terence was questioned by matchday police in the changing rooms after the incident. Chief Inspector Bungtaker of the Metropolitan Police explained. "What happened here today regarding Chelsea player Jon Terence and Liverpool mascot Jack Thievecars was all down to a misunderstanding. Mr Terence has not been charged and neither will he be. As you are aware, there was a bomb scare prior to the match and understandably it caused some tension amongst the players. Mr Terence believed he was acting in the best interests of the players, match officials and spectators by chasing and punching the little boy to the turf. I'm sure we'd all of done the same thing in those circumstances.

Terence was too shaken to speak after the incident but it is believed he is being comforted by one of his many concubines.

The mascots father, Jack Thievecars, 16, declined to comment on police advice.

Chelsea manager, Jose Plonkerino stated that he, "backed his player totally" in the circumstances and that in his opinion the boy was, "asking for it."

Incidentally, the match ended in a tedious 0-0 draw with both teams seemingly reluctant to keep possession of the ball.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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