"I'd probably bang Bale" - Warnock

Funny story written by Teddy Silver

Monday, 31 October 2011


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Self-proclaimed football manager Neil Warnock said Sunday that he received an incredible amount of sexual satisfaction from watching opponents score goals against his Queens Park Rangers team and sincerely hoped his spirited side would concede a bucket-load more in the future.

The 63-year-old, whose post-match interview with the BBC had to be cut short after he made a number of inappropriate remarks about Planet of the Apes actor and Tottenham winger Gareth Bale, said that watching his side concede so many goals was more sexually gratifying than watching Joey Barton and Del Taraabt argue over which of them was the biggest prick.

"I exploded in my pants when Curious George scored his second goal - you just have to take your hat off to them, don't you? I've got to be honest, primate or not, he is one hell of a footballer and i have no shame at all in admitting that i would bang that tree-dwelling banana muncher every which way but loose," said Warnock.

When asked whether he thought his side deserved to get something from the game, which saw Harry Rednapp's spurs side walk out eventual 3-1 winners, Warnock said for his team it's really not about winning or losing, or gaining points, or even staying in the division."For myself, the fans and the players, we're just all just happy to turn up and take a right good pasting from some quality players. That's what it's really about".

"I genuinely can't wait to see us get spanked by Manchester City next weekend. I'm think of playing with one defender and nine up-front, just to really make things interesting," he added, before spending several minutes playing with his genitals and babbling incoherently about the qualities of Spanish midfielder David Silva.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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