New York - "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em." That could be mantra of Hank Steinbrenner who along with the rest of the Steinbrenner family have gobbled up the ALDS-winning Detroit Tigers and have changed that team's name to the New New York Yankees.
The newly christened ballclub is expected to move into Yankee Stadium immediately and play the Texas Rangers for the American League pennant there. "Then it's on to the World Series," Steinbrenner said. "As a co-owner, I've waited a long time for this - since last Friday."
Asked by a reporter what will become of the current residents of Yankee Stadium, Steinbrenner responded with a blank stare. "Oh you must be talking about the Old New York Yankees," he said.
Turns out, that ballclub was just a pile of bad legal advice. "We had a clause in everyone's contract that said all bets are off if we disbanded the Yankees," Steinbrenner noted. "Who'd imagine we would do such a thing? But we figured out the Yankee name was more valuable than the actual team.
"So we ran everything through our Official Yankee Document Shredder® to literally dissolve the old team and make confetti for the new team's victory parade."
Reportedly, the money the Steinbrenners are saving by making the old Yankees' disappear will more than cover the cost of purchasing the Detroit Tigers, including bribes to public officials and major league baseball executives.
Steinbrenner said that baseball Commissioner Bud Selig has already approved the deal. "How could he not?" he demanded. "New York's other baseball franchise has an imprisoned felon as a silent partner, is hemorrhaging fans and cash, and is $450 million in the hole. He doesn't bother them. Why should he bother us?"
Steinbrenner responded with a question of his own when asked why the Yankees just can't "wait 'til next year" for a chance to win the World Series: "What do you think this is, Philadelphia?"