Yankees/Tigers playoff games will be played in the 'rain'

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Monday, 3 October 2011

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Detroit, Michigan - The forecast for Detroit is partly cloudy, but the remaining games of the American League Division Series between the New York Yankees and Detroit Tigers will be played in an off and on downpour.

The wet weather guarantee is being issued by baseball commissioner Bud Selig. The major league boss has ordered the sprinkling system in Comerica Park turned on full force during every other inning of tonight's game.

"We want to make sure the conditions are consistent throughout the American League Division Series," Selig explained. "It rained in New York during the first two games. Now, it's going to rain in Detroit during the next two."

Yankee manager Joe Girardi and Detroit manager Jim Leyland have each filed strongly worded protests against the move with the Commissioner's Office, citing the potential for player injuries.

"They're saying safety first," Selig said. "I'm saying safety first too, except when you're talking about higher TV ratings. Then, I'm saying safety second. I'm saying let's roll out the slip and slide and rev up the revenue."

The Commissioner pointed to Detroit catcher Alex Avila slipping on the wet on-deck circle during game two. "You can't script stuff like that," Seelig said. "I thought I was going to pee in my Official Major League Baseball Warm-Up Pants™."

"The way that guy went down, it was like watching some classic Three Stooges scene. You know what kind of ratings the Stooges deliver among 18 to 34-year-old males?"

Selig pointed out that above all, his "rainmaker ruling" is all about pleasing the fans. "Our fans are what we affectionately call 'suckers,' " Selig said.

"They pay ridiculously high ticket prices to see a ridiculously boring game. We'll show them that baseball can be exciting. Just add water."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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