Ricketts promises bigger balls for 2012 Chicago Cubs

Funny story written by Moustafa Rex

Saturday, 23 July 2011

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Thomas S. Ricketts announced today the franchise of the Chicago Cubs are considering a league-switch which would radically affect Major League Baseball's current alignments.

Ricketts is in negotiations with Major League Soccer to merge the Cubs franchise with the Chicago Fire, and establish themselves as the one dominant force in MLS and build the sports franchise of the century and turn the United States into a true, soccer-loving nation by bringing all of the Cubs current fan-base on-board.

The revelation came during a Friday evening news conference, when Ricketts let down his guard with a reporter, and was recorded discussing the negotiations to explain why the Cubs are shopping Third-Baseman Aramis Ramirez.

"We just don't think he's got the legs for it," Ricketts said. "Don't get me wrong, he loves the game and is on board with the move, but we just don't have a place for him if we're going to be in the MLS next season.

Catchers Giovanni Soto and Koyie Hill, along with outfielder Marlon Byrd are also being tossed into the trade-bait clearance pile.

"The only reason we're not actively shopping Kerry Wood is that we know he's retiring at the end of the season," Ricketts was heard to say in the recording.

Should the move be allowed, the Cubs' international lineup will bring decades of high-quality soccer-playing experience to Major League Soccer. Ricketts, whose known for his great business decisions like his recent purchase of the Cubs franchise, says he believes a united Chicago Cubs' Fire team on the pitch will take the nation, and the world, by storm.

Discussions are already underway with several European football clubs about scheduling a friendly for October, when the Cubs will play their last-ever baseball game. The Cubs are currently 40-60 with today's win over the only Major League team with a worse record, the Houston Astros.

The Cubs were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention at the conclusion of play during the first week of May.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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