Liverpool v Everton Merseyside Derby Match Abandoned

Written by Nick Hobbs

Saturday, 1 October 2011

image for Liverpool v Everton Merseyside Derby Match Abandoned
The weapons of choice for Martin Atkinson.

The Merseyside derby between Everton and Liverpool was sensationally abandoned just after the half time restart today, when referee Martin Atkinson sent off all but one player.

Pepe Reina, Liverpool goalkeeper was the only player left standing, after Atkinson, renowned for his flashing of cards on any soft challenge, had a field day.

The match began well, with both teams obviously keen for the win, but equally matched. But things turned in the fourth minute, when Atkinson blew for the first time.

Louis Saha was first to go after a soft tackle on Dirk Kuyt. Kuyt, appearing to smirk at the misfortune of the Everton midfielder, quickly followed for unsportsmanlike behaviour.

With both managers screaming from the sidelines, they too were quickly despatched.

Atkinson then went on a rampage. Every tiny detail, if not perfectly executed, resulted in a quick flash of red. Coleman, Cahill, Distin, Hibbert, Skrtl, Downing, Lucas, Carroll, Saurez, Enrique and Kelly all left the field in quick succession.

Everton's Fellaini was sent off merely for having ridiculous hair.

Even Tim Howard, Everton keeper, was sent off for pointing down field, Atkinson taking it as an inflammatory taunt at the opposing teams fans.
Going in to half time only seven players remained and the score stood at 1-0 to Liverpool, the effects of having no keeper proving rather difficult to manage for the Toffee's.

But coming back on from the break, Atkinson's temper appeared not to have dissipated one bit. The final six were sent off for a random collection of misdemeanour's, leaving only the Liverpool keeper staring at an empty field.

It was decided that under F.A rules the match could not continue, as you must have at least two players on the pitch at any one time.

Liverpool were given the win.

Fan and witness, Gary Chalmers, 28, told us "the ref was a prick. 'E was like a bird, arms flappin' about an' that. At one point we thought 'e was gonna take off!"

Everton fan Barry Arnold, 37, said "We was all waitin' fer the plane to come in, 'cause 'e was like one o' dem fella's at the airport guiding planes, only this guy 'ad little red cards instead o' them ping-pong bat things!"

Atkinson is said to have 'no remorse' for his actions, believing every card being fully justified.

He is now in hiding and under heavy police security.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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