There were 20 spoof news snippets published in August 2019. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Spent the whole day prepping for my colonoscopy.
Now I can’t decide whether to brush my ass or my teeth.
written by Matt Birkenhauer, 08 August 2019
Jeffrey Epstein Found Dead in Cell
The financier, awaiting trial on sex trafficking charges had 12 shanks stuck in his back and a garotte fastened around his neck. "Clearly a case of suicide," Governor tells newsmen.
written by Johnny Shlep, 10 August 2019
Joe Biden reads about Epstein suicide, sends condolences to the cast of "Welcome Back, Kotter."
Adds "The black guy was just as smart as those rich kids!"
written by Jeff Brone, 11 August 2019
Bill hits a home run
Bill Clinton's name has been cleared from the Epstein scandal after he said: "I did not have sexual relations with those girls.."
written by Sandy Limestone, 12 August 2019
Booker Tries Out For Moonlighting Gig in Europe But Is Axed
Sen. Booker, wanting campaign funds, auditioned for a Don Limpio (Mr. Clean) commercial in Spain, but didn't make the cut. On set he kept screaming "Yo soy Spartacus!" and didn't pass the IQ minimum.
written by Trinculoman, 12 August 2019
Wal-Mart Meat Too Bloody For Shoppers
Customers of the popular grocery store claim the company's meat "looks like it's been through some sort of massacre."
written by Michael Sienicki, 13 August 2019
Beto O'Rourke Plans Major Announcement
Will apologize for his past 46 years.
written by Jeff Brone, 14 August 2019
Bridge Burner Now Proud Owner Of Private Island
"Sure, there's nobody around," the viaduct arsonist told reporters, "but just think of what it'll look like once the smoke clears!"
written by Michael Sienicki, 14 August 2019
Melania Trump to Be Deported in New Immigration Policy
"I wish I could help her, but I can't play favorites," spoke the president.
written by Al N., 15 August 2019
Kamala Harris Announces New Cabinet Post Pre-election
Candidate Harris, planning ahead, says she'll create a new Cabinet post for her former sleazy Squeeze. She'll name Willie Brown as Chief Pimp and Procurer for a Harris Administration.
written by Trinculoman, 16 August 2019
Trump Wants to Buy Hawaii For the U.S.
He is surprised to find that the U.S. already owns Hawaii. Trump is now looking to buy Australia.
written by Al N., 22 August 2019
Stephen Colbert and Seth Meyers Mysteriously Disappear
After denying any complicity in their disappearance, Trump said, "Maybe they just had bad ratings!"
written by Al N., 22 August 2019
Denmark Makes Counter-Bid To Buy Oklahoma
The Scandanavians have offered him $3.50 plus all the pussy he can grab.
written by Johnny Shlep, 23 August 2019
Trump Offers to Trade Puerto Rico for Greenland
"I was just joking when I called them a shithole island. This would be a GREAT deal for Denmark!"
written by Al N., 24 August 2019
Trump Family Orders Record Number of Computers and Wide-Screen TVs With 2-Day Shipping
Coincidentally, Trump announced that Chinese tariffs will start in two and a half days.
Trump Fires First Daughter Ivanka, Has Now Fired Everyone
"It's much better if I run everything by myself, without all those others holding me back," he said.
Queen Wants Trump to GET OFF HER LAWN and Stay Off!
"The front lawn of Buckingham Palace is just the beginning of Trump's fuck-ups!" said the Queen.
Trump Appoints O.J. Simpson to Be His New Secretary of Transportation
"He's served his time and knows a lot about transportation. Remember the white Ford Bronco chase?"
written by Al N., 27 August 2019
Excellent stay in a great little town.
Donald Trump has filled in a trip-advisor survey for his trip to the G7 Summit, saying it was a nice little town, and the people he spoke to were all wonderful.
written by Ben Macnair, 27 August 2019
Chrisley Family Will Hold Off on "How to Save on Your Taxes" Book
It goes without saying that the book on bank fraud is also on hold.
written by Al N., 28 August 2019