Gore Needs To Lose A Few Pounds
In Tennessee today, Tipper Gore hired extra security for her husband, Al. It seems some no-good kids have been tipping him over on his side if he goes outside at night.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Up & At It!
Lazy-Boy chairs have came up with a new chair that can assist today's obese people out of their chairs to go to the refrigerator. It's called the Lazy-Forklift chair.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Weather According To Archie
Archie Bunker 2009: "El Nino! La Nina! We never had this kind of stuff until all those Mexicans started coming up here!"
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
New Theory Debated
After many long hours of debate the results are in, though some were confused by the outcome it turns out Rob Schneider is actually funny. Who would have thought.
written by Will Spears, 30 August 2009
Native Whisky Drinking Contest
The Obama administration has decided to host a Native American whisky drinking contest in hopes of regaining reservation land for a use undetermined at this time.
written by Will Spears, 30 August 2009
Pope announces that all religions are wrong
"God came to me in a dream and informed me that while religion is a good basis for life, it turns out that the Hokey Pokey is what it's really all about." The Pope said friday.
written by Will Spears, 30 August 2009
Gordon Brown Pledges Extra Troop Support
PM Gordon Brown, has pledged extra support for troops in Afghanistan. The soldier has been identified as Flt Sgt Tess Coe of the RAF. An MOD spokesman said; "Every little helps!"
written by IN SEINE, 30 August 2009
Tangled Up In Blue
Nudist colony near St. Petersburg, Florida outlaws playing the squeezebox at dances after third injury in six months.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Sushi Bar to Close As the Dish Is off!
A London sushi bar that specialises in serving sushi from naked models has had to close because a customer could not tell if it was the sushi or the woman that smelled.
written by norma snockers, 30 August 2009
Bolivians Have No Sense Of Humour
Scientists today revealed that Bolivians, particularly those in the military, have no sense of humour. They take themselves too seriously and use sarcasm in a very feeble way.
written by Earl Grey, 30 August 2009
New Japanese Leader
New Japanese prime minister, Yukio Hatoyama, will walk the international stage within a week of being sworn in, when he attends a N.Y. summit on climate change as soon as he is confirmed by Godzilla.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Japanese Party Wins Landslide
Opposition wins landslide in Japan election. Organize immediately to go dig out the roads.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
No One Recalls Actual Weding
Apparently Amy Winehouse got married again on Thursday. Friday they were in divorce court battling over who gets the leftover wedding cake.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
A Little Touchy
Fat policeman in Oxford, Mississippi taser's McDonald's employee for not offering him fries with that.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Nano's Circling
A weird scene at JFK Airport yesterday as winds off Hurricane Danny kept 37 planes and three Indian-made Tata Nano's circling the airport.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Pride Proud
Big group of colorfully outfitted lions will be in this year's San Francisco Gay Pride Parade!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
NYC Heat Wave
It was so hot in New York City yesterday that the thing on Donald Trump's head was panting.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Romo Kicking Ass
In NFL pre-season football, Tony Romo lost his cool and kicks Dallas Cowboy center in the ass after three straight muffed snaps, injures foot.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Obama Looking Ahead?
Twins, Larry & Gary in Idaho, tell Obama they will assure him the Idaho black vote in 2012 if no more blacks more to Idaho.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Lardass Finishes Next To Last
Man running in marathon cracks up and tackles the last runner after hearing "Get out of my way, Lardass!" for the twentieth time.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
"Hello Mudder..."
Authorities say that a girl abducted in 1991 and found alive this week, living in a tent in her abductors' backyard, thought she had been attending a "really sucky" summer camp.
written by Adam Click, 30 August 2009
"Old Buddy, Old Pal"
Fired, drunken postal employee comes back to the post office and nearly dances everyone to death while puking all over the floor.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Help Comes From Three Counties
Firefighters in Pea Ridge, Georgia, manage to rescue three CPR dummies, fire chief, from their burning fire house.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
America's Oldest Citizen
At a 107, America's oldest citizen Henry Williams told ABC News Sunday that he is now so old, they have discontinued his blood type.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Was It Something I Said?
Pierre's of New York spokesman, who stated that a woman's age and waist size are usually the same whether she's 25 or 50 last month, announces the store is closing.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Shut That Door!
Old man opening door to come out of airplane toilet causes all the oxygen masks to automatically drop from the smell. Plane was down to two unused barf bags by the time it landed.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Minnesota man investigated for poaching eggs.
Acting on a tip, the Minnesota Department of Natural Resources raided the home of a man suspected of poaching eggs.
Said the man, "I'm basting my yolks and the next thing I know I'm in handcuffs."
written by anchochilly, 30 August 2009
Bush: No Cheney Hunting Trips For Him
Former President Bush was asked if he ever went on a bird hunt with Cheney. "We were not supposed to out of DC at the same time. Plus the first thing he asks is if everyone has made out their will."
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
OJ, Spector Top Masks
This year's predicted most popular masks will be those of Phil Spector and O.J. Simpson. Kids figure that when people come to their door & see you, they'll shell a lot more candy, just in case.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Early Halloween Plans
Week-long Halloween celebrations expected on TV this year to get nation's mind off poverty, diseases. TV anchors will dress in scary costumes and Regis will go without make-up.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Bin Laden Going Soft?
Osama bin Laden is now calling for his followers to avoid "extremism." Advises suicide bombers to only run into markets with 50 or less.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Halloween Warning
US health authorities advise children to be especially this Halloween. "Don't take any candy from strangers."
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Obama To Control Internet?
Bill would give Obama "Emergency" control of internet. But he must promise to outlaw only those Anti-Obama sites.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Shell Game
North Korean Arms Shipment to Iran Seized by Emirates, seized by Somali pirates!
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Home Alone IV?
Bungling burglars caught trying to break into Prince William and Harry's house, as boys "Home Alone".
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Better Beware Beheadings
Taliban leaders agree to talk with US, British officials if they will bow before them first.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
New Heart Patient Drug
New drug reduces risks for heart patients. Reduces nervous reactions to sudden sneezes, paper bags being popped behind their backs by relatives expecting to inherit.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Obama Finally Remembers Katrina
Obama pledges to push ahead with Katrina recovery, will replace horrible government mobile homes with government trailers.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Among Other Things
Kennedy remembered for his years in the Senate, his head being bigger than that of Barry Bonds.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
It Just Looked Suspicious
In baby food tampering case, San Jose police locate second suspected jar which also did not contain a lid while sitting on the shelf.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Bigger Brother Coming
Ted Kennedy laid to rest at Arlington, beside brothers. John, Bobby say he's taking up too much space.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Shoe Thrower Released
Iraqi who threw shoes at Bush to be released early, shoes returned, issued one set of odor eaters.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Kennedy Remembered
Kennedy remembered for his years in the Senate, ducking situations, powerful swimmer.
written by Bureau, 30 August 2009
Dried up Oasis are splitting up!
Before they kill each other Oasis (who?) are splitting up!
Liam and Noel kicked the crap out of each other recently and both issued statements: "He can go and fuck himself!" Shalom at the Oasis!
written by unknown
Alter Boy Gets Revenge on Priest
Father Hope of St. Johns Catholic Church was hospitalized after meeting with David Hunns, an alter boy. Hunns had just eaten a jar of habanero peppers. Hope is to be released when the burning ceases.
written by Will Spears, 30 August 2009
Harriet no "Hard-man"
MP Harriet Harman is said to be "bummed" after The Equal Opportunities Commission ruled women will no longer be allowed to "shriek" for male assistance when faced with a spider.
written by Parly, 30 August 2009
Obama's "Brit Blooper"
Obama comes under fire after describing the UK as being "Pretty good for a pissy-arse little island"
written by Parly, 30 August 2009
MGM's Roarless Lion
Due to budget restraints MGM is replacing their lion with a woodchuck.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2009
The Latest Fox Game Show
The Fox Network will be turning the "Cash For Clunkers" program into a game show titled "Who Wants Some Clunkers For Cash?"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2009
Apalachicola Beaches Ordered Closed
The city of Apalachicola, Florida has temporarily closed down its beaches due to several swimmers coming down with the swim flu.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2009
The Out-of-Control California Wildfires
The massive California wildfires continue to burn out of control. Reports are starting to come in that now even parts of the Pacific Ocean are starting to catch on fire.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2009
Three New York City Rockettes Are Gender Tested
The three New York City Rockettes that were given gender tested all came out negative; they're real girls.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2009
Amy Winehouse's Make-Over
Amy Winehouse painted some freckles on her nose to make her look pretty. Now if she can just paint something on her teeth that will make her teeth look pretty.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 30 August 2009
Health Care Reform Costs
Speaker Pelosi got a paper cut reading page 425 of the Health Care Reform bill. She went to the Infirmary for a band aid, paid for by the Public Option, cost $1.00. Taxpayers received a bill of $499.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 August 2009
EPA Plan for Chesapeake Bay Cleanup
The EPA has no funding for improvements to sewer treatment plants along the Chesapeake Bay in MD, VA and DE. Residents in affected cities must only "go potty" once per week or use plastic doggy bags.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 August 2009
Chesapeake Bay to be Saved like the Delta Smelt
EPA puts Maryland Crabs on the ESL and closes the Chesapeake Bay to all fishing, boating and shipping up to the port of Baltimore. The States of Maryland, Virginia and Delaware declare bankruptcy.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 August 2009
Good News for Far Left Liberals
The Republican Party has announced that after the 2010 elections, unemployed far left liberals will have jobs as emergency vehicle sirens. With all the whining these people do it is a perfect job fit!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 August 2009
Environmentalists Sue Topless Women's Advocates
Environmentalists are not happy about having topless women beatify the environment. Their lawsuit claims they are the only "boobs" that should be allowed to be displayed in public places.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 30 August 2009
