Yorkshire Ripper wants Scottish jail transfer!
Peter Sutcliffe reckons he's next up for some traditional Scottish compasssionate justice and sod the bleedin' victims' relatives...
Reagan A Zombie
Former President Ronald Reagan comes back to life as a zombie, looking for food. "Kidneys! KIDNEYS!"
100 Years & Counting
The Chicago Cubs baseball players suddenly pelted hard by snowballs out of hell.
Former alcoholic derelict celebrates ten full years of being fun free.
Cops keeping mum about 'Wills & Harry did the gems heist'
Two masked men arrested today in the $65m bling snatch have been identified as Princes William and Harry, 'working for their Granny' after she lost the Crown Jewels in the Madoff fiasco.
Lockerbie bomber compassion erupts as US Senator Ted Kennedy demands flight to Libya!
A miracle-cure recovery awaits Kennedy in Tripoli as his brain tumor vanishes along with Megrahi's rectal equivalent...
Arctic Seamen pirates demand Scottish justice!
The pirates who seized the Russian nuke bomb carrier want to be tried by a Scots court sitting in the Netherlands and a great big dollop of that famous compassion...
Sugar 'n' spice 'n' all things nice.....
......that's what Caster Sugar Semen-ya's made of!
Sudden miraculous surge of spontaneous Scottish compasssion?
Nah, the Royal Bank of Scotland's $3 billion overdraft just needed a swipe. Expect 30 new RBS branches to open in Tripoli, Beghazi and the Libyan/Israeli (WTF?) border in time for Yom Kippur...
Miracle recovery as Lockerbie bomber's terminal arse tumor vanishes!
AbdelBasset Ali al-Megrahi says a $10 million book and movie deal created such a huge surge of endorphins that the ugly bum cancer just plain melted!
Rogue M I5 spook Shayler evicted, asks for plane to Libya
Shayler, 69, told UK TV news today that the Hackhurst Farm, Abinger Hammer squat had given him a proctological lump up the arse just like AbdelBasset Ali Al-Megharhi's...where's that compassionate EasyJet ticket?
Small Boy Pulled To Safety
Police in Cleveland rescue small boy from obese woman's ass after he fell off lifeguard's ladder and got tangled in her thong.
A Wall Street Rally?
The National Bank of Nigeria has announced that it's profits were up a full 25% in the sixth quarter.
Nkorea Seeking Removal
President Obama said today that he hopes Bill Clinton's talks with North Korea, bringing home journalists, will allow the US to remove them from the Official Shit List.
Viagra Maker Recieves Special Honor
The Pfizer Company, makers of Viagra, received special recognition by congress today, for helping small firms.
New Hearing Aid
New hearing aid from Acme Company of Coyote Falls will allow millions to hear themselves fart for the first time in a decade or more. "It's a miracle", stated one old lady as she ripped one off.
As Time Goes By
That youngest Brady kid was elected today to become the next spokesperson for AARP.
Plus or Minus 3%
New Gallop Poll reveals that up to 50% of all persons polled lie about their opinions.
The Gropes Of Wrath
California economy is sinking further and further into the pits as Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger continues to grope his way around the state.
Coolest On Record
This just in: Last year, 2008, was the coolest year in recorded history say hipsters.
Stole Their Tickets Also
Four scalpers were arrested last night just before Atlanta Braves baseball game with the Mets.
Five Cars Gone
Holidaymakers all at sea as high tides drag FIVE cars off the beach. "I can still hear their little cries of 'Please step away from the vehicle' alarms", stated one witness!
Nearly Took My Head Off
Miracle escape for City workers as giant glass window falls from 17th floor onto street. Sixteen attorneys were lying nearby saying they were hurt but changed their mind after seeing video camera.
Apples Not Garden Waste?
Householder stunned after council refuses to empty his garden waste bin, because it had APPLES inside. "Next week I'm going to shit in it & say it's fertilizer."
Afghan elections a success, bollocks! not with one arm or leg it ain't!!
Corrupt bastards observing the Afghan elections are saying it's a success! Bomb blast victims with one leg or arm voting deny it, they only received 1/2 a vote the other 1/2 going to the Taliban!
written by Jaggedone, 20 August 2009
348th Bigfoot On Film!
Man living in northern Minnesota who's a camera hound has raw footage of Bigfoot which shows grubs between his toes.
It's A Skunk, No, It's Superfunk!
Man who fell into New Jersey sewage plant drum becomes the world's funkiest Superhero!
Allah Has 99 Attributes?
It is alleged that Allah has 99 attributes. However, nobody knows what they are because it is forbidden to depict all of them. It is thought that 72 of them are virgins.
written by IN SEINE, 20 August 2009
Fox News is Number 1!
Among people with extreme mental deficiencies.
written by Daniel Williams, 20 August 2009
Ms.Clause having an affair with rudolp when asked about it said he makes me light up when we are together
written by Alien2012, 20 August 2009
Thief Determined Not to Be Caught by the Filth!
A shoplifter was caught on CCTV in Sunderland carrying an entire box of Imperial Leather soap today. A police spokesman said; "he was determined not to be caught and so he made a clean getaway!"
written by IN SEINE, 20 August 2009
Liberace, That Old Flame
Liberace's ashes shot into space a couple of years ago in a capsule, returns to earth's atmosphere with the fabulous pianist leaving in a blaze of glory.
"Joker" In White House Upsetting Many
Latest Government Healthcare Plan reportedly causing White House a lot of hand wringing over all the town hall finger-pointing, painting.
Worse Than FEMA?
The Internal Revenue Service is having problems as new wireless society gets mired down in red tape, paper work, but cash incentives, 2001 refunds should be out any day now.
Flasher Looked Like The Flash
Several men on a bench in Central Park in NYC say a streaker has broken the 100-yard dash recorded while being pursued by rottweiler.
Somalia pirates say they are getting bad publicity after being attacked by Swift Boat Veterans.
Semenya To Take Test
New world 800m champion Caster "Pat" Semenya has been asked to take a gender test, according to athletics' governing body.
Michelle Obama More Powerful
US First Lady Michelle Obama is among the newcomers in a list of the world's most powerful women. Claims White House garden has really increased muscles.
China Still At It!
Authorities in China have closed a second metal smelter after over 1,300 children fell sick with lead poisoning, state media have reported. Leader calls US, "About those last imports we sold you..."
Iran President Selects Cabinet
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reveals cabinet, including Ahmed, Jakim, Ali, Enosh, Cousin Omed Ahmadinejad.
Prune Juice Cocktails
Baby boomers still getting high, agency says. "Mixing hard liquor, drop of LSD in their cans of Ensure."
60 Minutes Creator Dies
Don Hewitt, who invented '60 Minutes,' dies at 86. Those doing show say the "Young Whippersnapper" was a genius.
All They Need Is One
Man says he sold kidney in US for $20k. Now out looking for more "doners". Bounty hunters joining in.
Mercury In Fish
Federal study shows mercury in fish widespread. "At least half as much as in human dental repairs", say experts.
Plastic Decomposes In Seas
Study says plastic decomposes at sea. "Usually eaten up by acid from medical waste, mercury.
Deep Water Rice
Scientists develop high-yield deep water rice but all the samples were eaten by catfish during the night.
Romney Criticizes Health Care Program
Romney: Liberals given too much say in health care. Recommends adding more Hitler mustaches to Obama posters, making Barney Franks look like Himmler.
Crew & Pirates Questioned
Arctic Sea crew, hijackers interrogated in Moscow keep talking wildly about mysterious island, giant ape.
Tycoon Bernie A Level 5!
FEMA alerted to be prepared by President Obama over helping victims of Tycoon Bernie!
Woman sues David Copperfield for sexual assault while he was frozen in ice. Sherlock Holmes, Ellery Queen and John Dickson Carr work being studied by police.
French Hit By Bomber
Suicide Snail-Bomber somehow gets by French security, blows up Cafe kitchen in Paris.
Hurricane Bill Turning Towards "Wuss" Status
Horrible, Killing, Ferocious Hurricane Bill weakens, probably won't hit anybody, just farting around the Atlantic, sighs Weather Channel.
Bring In That F+, D-
White House planning to wind down Clunkers program but plan new high school, college, grade trade-ins in "Flunkers" program.
Afghanistan Turnout Low
Turnout appears low as few Afghans left to vote for a new president.
Obama Friends Benefit Most From Healthcare
Firms with Obama ties profit from health push. "Just a coincidence says President Obama.
CIA Hired Others
AP source: CIA hired others to try to hit al-Qaida, but Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger both turned them down.
Scientists say a prehistoric runway for flying pterosaurs has been discovered for the first time. However critics call it ridiculous. "They were for UFO'S!"
Health overhaul myths taking root. For instance, that US could pay off 13 billion debt withing 50 years.
Would have preferred a chip of the OLD block
Leading Swedish newspaper reports Palestinian organs stolen by Israeli soldiers, transplanted into patients in Jerusalem, being rejected at rate of 100 percent.
written by The San Francisco Onion, 20 August 2009
Important Big City Problems
City councils in large USA cities are very concerned about plastic supermarket bags littering the streets. However, 300 murders per year in some municipalities seem to attract little interest.
New Stimulus Bill
When the US House returns from their recess, Speaker Pelosi plans to introduce a 5000 page bill. The new bill is known as the "Stimulus of the Week Porkage." CBO estimates are in trillions of dollars.
States Having Tax Shortfalls
State governors are asking taxpayers how to reduce budgets. One novel suggestion where electronic voting machines were replaced by paper ballots is to have voters bring their own paper and pencils.
New Element Pelosium Discovered
Pelosium has the following properties: highly dense, unstable, non-malleable, noxious, a relatively poor listener, extremely resistant to criticism and tarnishes upon exposure to press conferences.