Obama Death Pill Seen To Benefit Economy. Secret Part Of Health Reform
Hidden in the reform plan is the opportunity to get a free Death Pill. You must be at least 3 yo to qualify. "It will boost the economy be helping funeral directors and casket companies." Obama said.
Freed Journalists Say Thanks
Two freed journalists say thank you to nation, Bill Clinton for freeing them from North Korea. They plan to finish their interrupted vacation on the Afghan/Iraqi border.
Tennessee Brother And Sister Celebrate 50th Wedding Anniversary
Bo & Peep Little celebrated 50 years of marital bliss in Cornhusk,TN. "Nuttin' wrong with marrin' kin. Ya know what yer gittin'," said Bo. Their three headed children are stars of a Chinese circus.
We Control Over Half The Vote!
With the "Cash For Clunkers" apparently a hit this summer, some wives are beginning to badger the President concerning their husbands.
Craig Late For Senate Meet
Senator Larry Craig was late getting to the Senate floor this morning after someone toilet-papered him in the men's bathroom.
AA Adds Wheelchair To 12 Steps
Alcoholics Anonymous has added a wheelchair to their 12-step program for those who have fallen off the wagon.
Obama Blames Bush
President Obama stated today that he blames the Bush administration for the present recession, Swine Flu, mess in Afghanistan, Mother-in-law throwing shoes at him.
Beer Conference Nothing New
Former Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly states in his new book that Obama's Beer Conference was nothing. "When I was VP, that's the only kind we had."
Sleeping Problems Breakthrough
Scientists announce breakthrough in sleep problems. Study shows that recording the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric and replaying it all night gets you 8 nice hours, plus some nice dreams.
Before You Know It
Government Motors say that, with luck, completely electric car that needs no gas is only a couple light years away.
Disgraced Pastor Jimmy Swaggert To open Mr. Jesus Pizza Restaurants
There will be 387 Mr.Jesus pizza restaurants in the South. Formed as a cross, they will feature toppings named, "The Last Supper, Communion Wafer, Loaves and Fishes & Crown of Thorns."
Clunkers For Rebates
Most clunker car traders are purchasing a new model from India so, with $4500 rebate, they get new small car, $2000 in cash.
Primed The Pump
In Los Angeles, thirteen students excused from rest of the day's classes after class shortened trip to the monkey zoo, after one tosses a dog turd into one of the cages.
Brimley Joins Obama
President Obama invites Wilford Brimley to accompany him on healthcare speeches so he can point to him and say, "See what today's healthcare can do to your body!"
Probably The Diapers
With economy in the dumps, lots of seniors are back at work. "We love them", states McDonald's manager. "They don't even take pee breaks."
Wild Beer Conference
Young police officer says he doesn't remember too much about the Beer Conference a few weeks back but that the next day he woke up with a hair plug in his shorts.
New Meathead Czar
President Obama appoints Television Czar, Carl Reiner Jr. Fox News already experiencing technical difficulties.
Eight Cities Volunteer
Eight United States cities agree to take the trial shots for the Swine Flu. "We're the 'Grunts'", says St Louis city official.
UFO's Identified In Texas
Astronomers in Fort Worth, Texas say that those strange lights in the sky last night were not UFO's but Ghost Riders!"
"Obama Wants To Dish Out Drugs"
Rush Limbaugh told his millions of fans and followers yesterday that the only reason Obama wants the government to control healthcare is so Limbaugh would have to go to him for his drugs.
US Has One In Four Prisoners
A new statistic shows that one out of every four prisoners or prisoner apprentices in the world are in the US.
Monkeys Back On Typewriters
One of the monkeys in room with 50 new typewriters in "works of Shakespeare experiment" types, "Can we start with book by Edgar Rice Burroughs?"
Friends say Bubbles The Chimp in depression. "He hasn't flung a handful of poo or ate a flea since the night Jackson died say keepers."
Ding Dong Outlets
The Governor of Mississippi is blaming the state of Alabama for making his state the nation's most obese. "They opened 10 Day-Old Ding Dong outlets here so they would not be the fattest."
New Laden Video
In a new bin Laden video, he condemns western corporations and globalization, and he also says he would NEVER tolerate any of his 50 mother-in-laws living in his own cave with him.
American Godzilla Fans Shocked
A Japanese actor who was in the original Godzilla movie many years ago has admitted that he was not speaking English in the movie and wanted to clear his conscience. "It was a voice over", he said.
The Federline Comeback
Friends and fans are saying that heavyweight Kevin Federline is going to make a huge comeback, just as soon as he comes back from the buffet table.
Craig Stalling Again
Sen. Larry Craig announced that he believes the US is making progress in Afghanistan. After making the announcement the guy in the next stall said, "Why don't you take interviews on the Senate floor?"
Burglar Suspect Sues Police
Burglary suspect 'who is suing Met after police dog tears off his ear' begins his case by quoting Shakespeare, "Friends, Romans, lend me your ear."
Latest News For Lab Rats
Junk food dummies: How binging on burgers and chips can drain your brainpower, say scientists. Especially if you're a laboratory rat.
Doctors Blame Lawyers
Doctors complaining that some lawyer firms are planning mass vaccinations because they cannot afford people being off work sick. "However, this could be our opportunity to eliminate the buggers."
Burglars Praised, Arrested
Paedophile jailed after burglars with a conscience tip off police about child abuse pictures on stolen laptop. "Only doing our duty", claims one.
Those Evicted From Homes Trading With Others
'Second wave' of repossessions feared despite 10% fall in number of those made homeless. "Many put out of homes have simply switched to squatting in other homes that are empty", says official.
Woodstock Remembered, Sort Of
40 years ago, 400,000 young people converged on a dairy farm in upstate New York for music festival that would leave a legacy that endures today, especially for the 1 million who say they were there.
Wold Release In Mexico
Wolf release in Mexico sparks concern in US as several grandmothers already missing in Nogales, Arizona.
Rare Gene Behind Short Sleepers
Scientists find rare gene behind short sheeters. That should be "among short sleepers".
Past Presidents Dog Hillary Tour
Presidents past and present shadow Clinton's tour. "Curly, Larry and Moe have been a big hindrance", says Sec. of State.
Pakistan Asks For Surrrender
Pakistan calls on Islamist militants to surrender. Ten million lay down their weapons and apologize. "Don't know what got into us."
Thrown In Jail
Feds: Michael Douglas' son thrown in NYC jail may be sued as most of those arrested only forced to walk in.
Overdid It A Bit
Florida doc fired over 'doughnuts equal death' sign as police in Pensacola say he went too far.
Hearing called off
A suspected burglar was unable to sue police because a police dog bit off his ear. He claimed he could not hear a police man say: "Ello, Ello, Ello, what's all this then?"
written by IN SEINE, 14 August 2009
Kids ask the Smartest Questions
Granny, "what will I be when I grow up following the TARP and Stimulus Packages and if the Health Care Reform and the Cap and Trade bills are passed?" My dear "you will be a cute but large debtor."
White House Strategy Uncovered
Health Care Reform anger is blamed on: Monday, the media; Tuesday, Republicans; Wednesday, Fox News; Thursday unpatriotic Americans; and Friday, George W Bush. Weekend is for bipartisan rhetoric.
EX LAX Goes Green
Environmentalists pressure EX LAX to add green dye to their product. One company executive exclaimed during the meeting "isn't that carrying this everything must be green shit too far?"
New Airline Regulation Passed
Congress has passed a law mandating US airlines provide one free drink per passenger per minute, for every minute spent on the tarmac over an hour. There have been no reports of flight delays.
A Silent ACLU "Fishy" Story
President asks people to send emails to fishy.com to rat out friends or relatives, who disagree with the Health Care Reform bill. I thought the ACLU got upset when the government did such things!
Another Fish Story
Some scientists claim the oceans are absorbing CO2, turning them into Seltzer/Soda Water. Al Gore recommends pouring a quart of Tennessee Whisky down your throat or your toilet every day!
A Fish Story
Rabid environmentalists have put 47000 people out of work, as the Delta Smelt is on the ESL. CA farmers cannot water crops from the fish's habitat. So much for President Obama's job creation program!