John Edward's Two Americans
North Carolina Senator John Edwards always said there were two Americas. Apparently, he had a wife in each one.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Oops! Britney Did It Again
This week Britney Spears showed her Hoo-Hah again. If she shows it one more time, she'll receive the complete set of the old "Leave It To Beaver Show."
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Enough Is Enough!
After saying "Enough is enough", California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger personally pisses out California fires!
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
More California Wildfires
Still more wildfires in California. Today Rodney King was flown in and told the fires, "Why can't we just get along?"
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Jerry Springer Canceled
Jerry Springer Show canceled on all networks after being replaced by Town Hall Meetings on Health Care.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
McCain Got New Set At Walter Reed
Vietnam agrees to hand over John McCain's testicles in a mason jar to Jane Fonda.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
New Pills Saluted
Drug company comes up with great new pill for depression. "And just in the nick of time", says President Obama.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Prison Stimulus Packages
Thousands of those stimulus checks the government sent to everybody ended up going to prison inmates who used them for conjugal visits from new wives.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
A Great Day for Midgets
World's tallest midget, at 6'4" Cory Smith, becomes the first midget to dunk a basketball on a 10' goal without help.
written by Will Spears, 29 August 2009
McCain Has Woman Tossed
Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out-of-control woman thrown out of a town-hall meeting because she wouldn't stop calling him "Poopsie Poo" from the Hanoi Hilton in Vietnamese.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Ted Kennedy Burial
Edward "Ted" Kennedy will be buried alongside his brothers, John and Bobby, not at Chappaquiddick as original scheduled.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Ted Kennedy Lying In State, As Usual
Ted Kennedy to Lie in Repose until Republicans agree to pass National Health Care Program, his last request.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Crazy Mad
Twonsend, Tennessee man applying for "crazy check" claims that if he's not "crazy mad" now, he will be if he doesn't get it.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
There's A Change A-Comin'
AARP Magazine predicts that in the near future, Japanese-made robots will change your diapers.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Cape Receives Warning
Weather forecasters say the first El Toro may be developing around the Horn of Africa.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Pelosi's Mouth Helping Global Warming
Nancy Pelosi warns Republicans that if they do not approve funding for President's health care plans, he'll borrow it from China.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Those Brown Spots
Dead grass spots around area where the beer conference was held at White House took gardeners a week to repair.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Iran A Paradise
Ahmadinejad says there is no Swine Flu in Iraq. "That is because we have no gay people or hemorroids.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Pelosi Points Out Chinese Sacrifices
China has announced a target of cutting her greenhouse gas emissions by 25% over the next 200 years, with emphasis on 2184--2209.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Worked With Tipper
Al Gore mad at Secretary of State Hillary Clinton after demo to illustrate global warming fails when M&M's fail to melt in her hand after an hour.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Thugs Beat Up Old Singer
Gang of low-pants thugs beat up old man who was on the street singing, "There's a bad moon on the rise!"
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
For Goodness Snakes
Ten and a half foot family pet Boa Constrictor swallows their pet eight foot and a half Anaconda.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
It's A Bird, And WHAT A Bird!
Super Model rescues young lad who's foot had become tangled up with railroad track as train appears in the distance.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
And No One Squeaking Up
After Being elected president, Obama speeding up racial equality as all races now poor as church mice of all colors.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Remarkable Photos Included
The National Enquirer discovers cat in remote Peru Village that only has seven lives, lands on it's ass every time.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
They're Really Digging Into Past
Newly elected Republican accused by Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid of once throwing a cigarette butt on the side walk. Limbaugh counters with Democrat accused of being excited over Miss America contestant.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Potted Meat Recall
FDA issues huge potted meat recall after discovering traces of marijuana in most cans.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Chicken Nugget Flu
First case of Chicken Nugget Flu hits in Little Rock, Arkansas, as males catching it can no longer have children.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
WallyWorld Expanding
WalMart, still catching flack over running Mom & Pop stores out of business, open Mom & Pop Stores sections in Super WalMarts while hiring Mom & Pop.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
US Economy Up
US economy up as early Christmas shoppers take advantage of all the major bankruptcies.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
End Of A Great Political Dynasty
The world is in mourning following the death of Teddy Hitler, the last surviving Hitler brother. He will be laid to rest in a bunker, just like his two brothers Adolf and Bobby.
written by Earl Grey, 29 August 2009
Moon rock in Amsterdam museum is fake
So the moon must be a fake as well. Maybe we never actually went there. Hey - I wonder if anybody thought to check the mileage on the "lunar landers"?
written by Blazing Saddle, 29 August 2009
Obama Hails Kennedy As "Greatest Legislator"
President Obama hailed Teddy Kennedy as "our greatest legislator". Asked about the Chappaquiddick incident Obama said "Well, he couldn't legislate for that, obviously"
written by Earl Grey, 29 August 2009
Jam or jelly decision too much for Wisconsin grandma.
A Wisconsin grandmother was rushed to the emergency room yesterday after she was found slumped in a corner repeatedly mumbling "Should I make jelly or jam...jam or jelly?"
written by anchochilly, 29 August 2009
ObamaCare to mandate "post death" counseling based on Tibetan Book of the Dead.
Conservatives were outraged when they learned of a provision in ObamaCare that will mandate post death counseling based on the ancient Tibetan Book of the Dead.
written by anchochilly, 29 August 2009
Dried Nasal Mucus: Eat more to survive
Scientists have revealed the secret for survival in the Australian Outback. "Nose goblins provide salt and essential protein", they say, "Bogeys or Witchetty grubs; your choice."
written by Frank Miller, 29 August 2009
Blackberry Bee Man in stable condition
Man hospitalised after checking for email on blackberries. He got covered in juice and was attacked and partially eaten by bees.
Spokesman says, "Blackberry, Blackberries; easy mistake to make."
written by Frank Miller, 29 August 2009
SKorea Making More Claims
South Korea announces that they have created the first human cologne in lab.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Show Of Humility
China authorities say air there not as bad as the West claims it to be. That most citizens only wear masks to show humility, sort of like yalmulkes.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
FEMA: Amount Could Drop
Tornado that tore up eastern Tennessee mountain trailer town, flattening it, causes damages as high as $65,000.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Realter's Ass Size Increas
Report: The sales of new homes by realtors down the same 25% that the size of their asses increase, from sitting around office all day discussing the "Good Old Days".
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Swine Flu In Birds
The discovery of swine flu in birds in Chile raises concerns about the spread of the virus through flying pigs, the UN warns.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Jackson's Death A Homicide
Michael Jackson's death was homicide, primarily caused by the powerful anaesthetic Propofol, the Los Angeles coroner has confirmed. Monk, Jessica Fletcher called in to assist police.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Cheese Wars?
A claim that Germany has failed to protect genuine Italian Parmesan cheese from imitation has been rejected by the top court in the European Union. Cheese riots predicted to break out all over Europe.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Dominic Hughe Investigates
Dominic Hughes investigates the rise of the far right anti-Roma Jobbik party in Hungary and finds parallels between the Aborigines..you quit reading at "Jobbik" didn't you?
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
K-daffy & Rabbi Shmuley To Sleep Together. Are They Gay?
Libya's nutty dictator Moammar K-Daffy will sleep in a tent when he visits the UN. It be in NJ, next to TV Rabbi Shmuley. When asked if he is gay, Shmuley said, "No, but he is real cute even hot."
written by tlmedia, 29 August 2009
S.Korean Fishermen Released
North Korea, saying they smell worse than buried cabbage, has freed four South Korean fishermen and their boat, the South Korean Coast Guard has said.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Indian Satellite Silent
All communication links with the only Indian satellite orbiting the Moon have been lost, India's space agency says.
However, Morse Code message sneaked out has arrived that mentions a UFO.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Airlines Charging Extra For Extra Luggage
Continental Airlines Inc. said Wednesday it will charge some coach passengers on international flights $50 to check a second bag they will probably lose, joining other carriers in imposing the fee.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Health Bill Compromise?
Hope fades for compromise on health bill. "Might as well wait until we see who survives Swine Flu Fall, Winter", say most
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Obama Vows He Won't Forget
President Obama vows not to forget lessons of Katrina, 9/11, Monica!
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Swine Flu More Severe
WHO warns of severe form of swine flu that is changing. Could cause immediate explosion of person catching it, leading to explosions as those exposed to exploded could also then immediately explode.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Obama To Honor Kennedy
President Obama to honor Sen. Kennedy memory at funeral Mass by getting drunk as a skunk.
written by Bureau, 29 August 2009
Stress Reliever?
Scientists claim that the smell of freshly cut grass is a great stress reliever. "Smoking freshly cut grass is even better", so says a junkie in our local pub. COOL!
written by IN SEINE, 29 August 2009
People can talk to the Mona Lisa in Mandarin
Millions of Chinese can now speak to the Mona Lisa in Mandarin. An In Seine News reporter tried to speak to her, but his phone was only on the Orange network. Is it any wonder she is grinning?
written by IN SEINE, 29 August 2009
Lily Allen Moving To Africa
British rocker Lily "Pour Me Anudder One" Allen says that she is giving up music. She plans to move to Zimbabwe and open up a zebra-walking service.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 August 2009
The Smallest Mother In Britain
Britain's shortest women, 3 ft. 9 in. Karina White has just given birth to a baby. The doctors panicked when they couldn't find it. They finally located it underneath a tongue depressor.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 August 2009
Amanda Holden Losing It...Weight That Is
Britain's Got Talent Judge Amanda Holden has lost 15 pounds. She says that her goal is to look like Amy Winehouse but without all of the ugliness of course.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 August 2009
Britney "Boom-Boom" Spears Is Comin'
Britney Spears will out do other female performers by having herself shot out of a cannon. She says, "I'm not scared. I'll wear a helmet and an extra pair of knickers."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 August 2009
The Unraveling of Heather Mills
The ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, Heather Mills released her new fashion line of recycled clothes. They were so hideously ugly that London police were called and Mills was arrested for third-degree gall.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 29 August 2009
Massachusetts Democrats have no Ethics
The new MA law that controls whether succession of a US Senator is to be by election or appointment will be written in invisible ink. This way the Democrats do not have to rewrite the law each time!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 29 August 2009
Asian Foreign Policy
China, Japan and Korea fought each other throughout their history. It seems now China and Japan have North Korea in that old classic, "right ball, left ball little pr*ck in the middle" situation.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 29 August 2009
American's Blood Pressure
Doctors say debate over President Obama's health care reform has raised all American's blood pressure by 20 points. Speaker Pelosi calling those opposed as being un-American added another 20 points.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 29 August 2009
Flu Shots
Some people say "Flu shots may do more harm than good!" Then don't take them! Farmers will be able to feed more hungry people and the mortuary business will see increased sales.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 29 August 2009
Another Speaker Pelosi Rumor
A Washington DC wag claims Speaker Pelosi only walks on the left side of the street and only makes left turns while driving. The latter is difficult in this city and explains why she is always late!
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 29 August 2009
