United States Elects First Anarchist President!
New President-Elect plans on staging a coup and assassinating himself immediately after his inauguration. VP-Elect promises to follow suit. Pelosi delighted at the show of bipartisan support!
written by Brother Philbee, 10 September 2008
Bob Dylan's New Group
Bob Dylan has announced this morning that the Traveling Wilburys is being reformed and will begin touring early in 2009. Joining Dylan in the new group will be Leonard Cohen, Lou Reed and Tom Waits.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Beatty In Hospital
After two days of fighting between Republicans & Democrats over "a pig wearing lipstick", actor Ned Beatty has checked himself into a mental hospital complaining of flashbacks.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Airlines Grounded
The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that it has grounded Impact Airlines until all safety measures are thoroughly checked and rechecked.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Supreme Court Ruling Handed Down
The U.S. Supreme Court ruled today that a 76-year-old wife wearing a thong cancels out her gift of a bottle of Viagra and a motivational tape given to her husband on their 50th wedding anniversary.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Bush announces "Quiet Surge"
Washington DC- President Bush today announced the start of a 'Quiet Surge" in Afghanistan.
"We were far too loud the last time," Bush explained. "This time they'll be a lot more creeping...."
written by Stuart Dean, 10 September 2008
Obama Interview
Barack Obama in an interview with George Stephanopoulos inadvertently stated, "my Mulsim faith". When Stephanopoulos stated "You mean your Christian faith", Obama answered, "Yeah, whatever".
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Nicholas Cage warned!
Hollywood- Nicholas Cage was arrested last night on Highway 110 and charged with excessive weaving. Officer Vidal Sassoon ticketed the actor and advised him to watch out for hair pins in the future.
written by Charlie Varrick, 10 September 2008
Obama and O'Reilly get a room
After interviewing Barack Obama on Fox News, Bill O'Reilly and Obama shared a quick cigarette and later got a room. Sexual tension was thick.
written by Francine Fishpaw, 10 September 2008
Chelsea to complete Barcelona deal
Chelsea footballers are expected to complete the signing of a plank of deal imported from Spain this afternoon.
written by Midgetgems, 10 September 2008
Particle Accelerator to Bring Jesus Back
Christian scientists today announced that while the particle accelerator would not create deadly black holes, it would bring back Jesus Christ. "The world will still end, but in a much happier way."
written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008
McCain Shuts Down Particle Accelerator
At the request of the hard core religious right, Republican Presidential nominee John McCain broke through CERN security and shut down the accelerator over fears it would end the world.
written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008
Palin Reveals She is Actually a Black Woman
Defying all reasonable logic, Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin today announced that she's actually African American. "I'm sorry it took me so long to come forward" said Gov. Palin.
written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008
Particle Accelerator Ends Racism
In what will surely go down as the CERN particle accelerator's greatest accomplishment, racism immediately ended as soon as it was switched on. Scientists are baffled but pleased.
written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008
Obama Reveals He's Mostly White
In a shocking revelation, Barack Obama announced that he is actually mostly white. "Tests confirmed that I'm actually 51% white" Obama said. Obama assured black people that he's still down with them.
written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008
J.K. Rowling Wins Copyright Infringement Lawsuit
When the verdict was announced, she whipped out a wand and tapped the defeated defendant once on the shoulder, causing him to vanish into thin air.
written by Gail Farrelly, 10 September 2008
Palin Baby to be Appointed Secretary of Exploitation
The McCain/Palin ticket today announced plans to appoint Palin's baby to a new cabinet level position that will attempt to exploit every exploitable exploitation in the United States.
written by Mark Garrison, 10 September 2008
New Breed of Frogs Discovered
After a recent discovery of frogs without lungs in Indonesia, there has been an unconfirmed report that a breed of frogs without legs have been discovered behind a French restaurant.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Sales Down But Run Expected In September
The nation's leading laxative companies report sluggish sales for both July and August.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Widow Through With Mourning
After a reasonable period of time for mourning, hero fireman's widow returns to her old flame.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Ruthless Dictator
Autistic man now ruling his own private world with an iron fist.
written by Bureau, 10 September 2008
Obama Talks Dirty: Middle Age Men Spark Run on Lipstick!
Barack Obama disparaged Sarah Palin by calling her a pig with lipstick causing a run on pharmacies by middle aged men in raincoats. Many stores claimed they were sold out, and also short of condoms.
written by unknown
"Don't Tax Me Bro" Sobs Dem Congressman
Charles Wrangle, ranking committee member that administers the US Tax code is upset he has to pay taxes on $75,000 of undeclared income. "Nobody can understand that shit, why pick on a black guy?"
written by unknown
