After Sliced Bread
The second and third greatest innovations of the 20th Century, after sliced bread, are: the TV sound mute button and requiring people to pick up their dog's last dinner.
written by Philbert of Macadamia, 23 September 2008
Blaine Trying To Set New Record
David Blaine is still hanging upside down in NYC's Central Park. Blaine hopes to eventually break the record of 20 days set by Spiderman before the Green Goblin showed up with a peacock feather.
Michelle Obama reveals that her DNC dress only cost her $156
McCain's wife, whose outfit for the Republican Convention came in at over $300,000, says "Honey, my panties ain't even that cheap!"
More Chinese Infants sick from bad milk
IOC confirms that only three of them were on the Chinese Female Gymnastics Team.
Obama Blames Bush For Cuts
Barack Obama told an audience Monday that the Bush Administration's cut in funny farm subsidies were no laughing matter.
China mission to include country's first space walk
The planned forty minute EVA was choreographed by the man responsible for the Olympic Opening Ceremonies and the IOC has confirmed that all participants are over 16.
One-Child Rule Blown During Olympics
China's one-child-per-family rule leads to the lifetime banning of 25 percent of visiting olympic stars and fans who attended the games last month.
Excavations reveal that Stonehenge was ancient place for healing and medicine
If you didn't get better, the stone masons would knock a rock over on top of you.
Armstrong In Balls-Up
Lance Armstrong was disqualified from the Annual Fiesta Island Time Trial Series Sunday when he lost an artificial testicle causing a huge pile-up of his nearest competitors.
October Maxim Magazine names Megan Fox "Earth's Hottest Girl"
Last year's hottest girl burned at announcement.
Newspaper reveals ten richest men and women in Congress
Senator John Kerry, married to heir of Heinz fortune, says "I'm not first anymore, so I'd better try to ketchup."
Wright Wins Emmy
The Rev. Jeremiah Wright won an Emmy Sunday night for "Best Performance of Damning America". Presenting the award was last year's winner, Hugo Chavez.
112 year old record holder says secret of long life is staying active
"I've been running from jealous husbands and boyfriends for years. Viagra has helped keep me going."
Lindsay Lohan comes out of closet about relationship on radio interview
LiLo, who once had the reputation as a "skanky party girl," admits to lesbian relationship with Samantha, ...and Kelly, and Barbie, and Lisa, and Leslie......
Las Vegas, NM Football Players Victims of Hazing
After having broomsticks shoved up their rectums by older teammates, they were forced to watch reruns of Will and Grace and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Idaho cheerleaders ditch skimpy uniforms
Decide to go ahead and jump around naked, because "we weren't really wearing that much anyway and this is what everyone really wants to see."
Meg Ryan opens up on the break up of her marriage to Dennis Quaid
He wouldn't give me enough Innerspace.
Donald Trump Blows All His Money Betting on the Jets.
Demands government bailout.
written by Jack Van Gump, 23 September 2008
Bill Clinton on "The View"...
...Whoopi Goldberg fired for questioning mysterious stain on Barbara Walters dress.
written by Jill The Shill, 23 September 2008
Men with sexist views earn more!
FACT: Photographers for Playboy/Penthouse magazine can earn 50% more per photo than a photographer for Horse & Hound or Country Life magazine.
David Blaine to audition for Batman
A highly strung David Blaine is hoping to star in the forthcoming Batman movie, "The 2 Dark Nights."
Police are investigating numerous reports of persistent fly tipping at the Tate modern.
written by Midgetgems, 23 September 2008
Mayor talks balls
Mayor Boris Johnson has said he wanted London to become "a wi-fi city", where the internet was available anywhere instead of "a wiff-waff city," where there are balls everywhere, but none on MPs.
As from Tuesday, Leicester will swap names with Swindon as part of a long-term plan to see if anyone notices.
written by Midgetgems, 23 September 2008
Blues Singer Bo Carter Reprised in New John Edwards TV Ad!
Since finding TRUTH hard to confront, the former Presidential Candidate is singing the blues.The Karaoke Krooner sang: "the lead is gone, my pencil don't write no more" on TV as spokesman for Viagra
written by Morse, 23 September 2008
Biden On Oprah
Joe Biden, trying to get his voice heard above that of Sarah Palin, plans to pull all his hair plugs out while bouncing on a couch on Oprah next week.
Christopher Columbus - environmental award
Christopher Columbus has been posthumously awarded a gold medal by Friends of the Earth for exceeding 3,000 miles per galleon.
British Woman Turns Into CINDERella After Road Rage Event!
A "large" bi-polar woman rams car, spins wheels till they burn and ignite brake fluid, refuses to leave her burning vehicle, tells crowd to F**Off . A local said "she sure was a flamin' Arse Hole!"
written by Morse, 23 September 2008
In a bid to win the next election, Gordon Brown has issued each one of his MPs with the best type of Labour-saving device known to man (and woman) - a chastity belt!
Nike to sponsor both Obama and McCain
Nike have declared an interest in the US Presidential elections, by presenting both Barak Obama and John McCain with running shoes.
Hotel Kitchen Accident
A cook in a top London hotel suffered minor injuries today. A health and safety official said; "He bent over to pick up a sieve and strained himself."
John McCain To Change His Last Name
John McCain is legally changing his last name to McSame. When President Bush was informed of this he replied, "Hey, it sounds nice to me, but I think McBush sounds much better."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 23 September 2008
MoveOn.web Surprises President
President Bush awoke this morning to find a caravan of MoveOn.web gypsies had moved in during the night and had set up camp in the Rose Garden.
MSG In Restaurants
The Food & Drug Administration reports that many of today's restaurants are using MSG under other names, according to an unnamed sauce, who leaked the info Friday.
The FBI has traced the source of counterfeit bills to a back room of a bank in Dover, Delaware. That's the ninth bank in the last two weeks.
New Scientific Translator
According to the National Enquirer, a new device has allowed scientists to understand the common ant's signals to each other. The first one translated: "Look out, Bigfoot's coming!"
Bronx Bank Robbery Foiled
Two Polish men were apprehended by New York police officers after they robbed a bank, as they had forgotten to remove their Ronald Reagan masks while attempting to blend in with a crowd of onlookers.
Senior Bush to son George W. regarding end of term:
"Now remember to give Cheney back his puppet strings" "They won't look good in your Presidential Library" 'But Dad'- "Can I keep my signed baseballs"? Of course Son.
Astronomers have discovered a planet with three times the earth's mass. The population is apparently over 95% Catholic.
UFO In Florida
In Florida, a UFO landed a short while ago near Circus World, witnessed 48 clowns coming out of a small car and hurriedly got back into their ship and took off.
Bear Market Flees
Yesterday's bear market fled Wall Street this morning when VP candidate Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin came in and shot a few rounds over the bear's head.
Robbers Wear Thongs
Three women wearing only thongs robbed an Atlanta Bank yesterday. Eye-witnesses described the three as all redheads, all blondes, all brunettes or all three were headless.
PBS Funding Down
Due to lower fundraising amounts, PBS has announced that "The Antique Roadshow" would be anchored in St. Louis in 2009 and that the name of the show will be changed to "Fifty Bucks An Appraisal".
Michelle Obama furious over Biden's Lauding of Hilliary Clinton for VP
'Michelle Obama" made it clear to' Barak', that she did not want VP pick 'Biden' running around lauding Hilliary Clinton. Per Michelle, "that women will never see the light of day of my 'White House'.
Obama's Staff Order Larger Paper Shredder
Brarak Obama's staffers have been told to shred any and all papers regarding his name connected to Tony Rezko, and private memo's to/from Rod Blagojevich.
Secret Boiler Room Politics
The rumor is-'The Clinton camp has offered Biden $40.million to take a dive,to allow Hilliary the VP slot. 'Biden' looking like a Cheshire cat, says he has no knowledge of such a rumor.
Trillionaire Offers Help
Wall Street breathed a sigh of relief today as a Nigerian Banking Trillionaire offered to bail out banks all around the world provided they would send a small amount first to cover the paperwork.
Train sex couple killed
A couple in South Africa who were having sex on a railway track in Mpumalanga Province have been killed by a goods train. Police say; "The man obviously failed to pull out on time."
David Blaine in trouble
David Blaine has been given a 3 day suspended sentence for being a pillock.
Over here...on me head!
In this topsey-turvey world, David Blaine is to apply for the Australian Tourist Board. He is currently aclimatising himself in New York for the job.
Scientists are trying to bring back a giant tortoise in Galapagos by careful cross-breeding. The trouble is, they've forgotten what it should look like. Charles Darwin last had the original plans.
Palin asked how she would handle bank failures
She said she would call the banker's mothers and ask them to stop that!
written by disciple, 23 September 2008
New Way to Fight Tropical Deforestation
Threaten "Loggers" with forest fires.
USDA report points to plentiful holiday turkeys
Washington Balks: What does the US Agriculture Department know about politics in D.C. anyway?!
Palin, McCain Disagree on Causes of Global Warming
McCain: It's a hoax!
Palin: It's a hoax with lipstick!
5 Cheap Ways to Lower Your Blood Pressure
1. Slit your wrists.
2. Do it 4 more times
Judges give low scores on 'Dancing with the Stars'
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, A self-luminous celestial body consisting of a mass of gas balanced by the outward-directed gas and radiation pressures,...Farted, as she heard the bad news.
Miley Cyrus says she is committed to "Hannah Montana"
Hannah Montana had no comment.
Do You Believe Obama's Track Record of Believing?
60 minutes, Obama said "I have a track record of believing in reform" He has a track record! All you republican's,quit saying he has no track record! He has a track record of "believing in something".
written by Gulo_Gulo, 23 September 2008
"Tunnel to Nowhere" Near Completion
Governor Palin's "Tunnel to Nowhere", a $25 billion project, is scheduled to open in two weeks. It replaced the "Bridge to Nowhere" when Governor Palin realized people didn't want to pay for a bridge.
written by Maditude, 23 September 2008