Bush Signs Bailout Bill
President Bush signed a historic bailout bill into law to aid the nation's ailing economy. The President expressed relief when he was told the bill did not mean his daughter had been arrested again.
written by Greg Schwartz, 03 October 2008
He Ain't No Allen Funt
A landlord in Philadelphia has been arrested for secretly videotaping 34 female tenants over 19 years. A tenant first became suspicious when he told her, "Your bikini line tattoo is so darn cute."
Oil News Flash
Oil drifts down after House bailout vote...but luckily one of the custodians quickly found the source of the leak and fixed it.
The spokesman for the (real) Fight Against Red Tape still has not realised the childishness of their anacroym.
written by Ben Macnair, 03 October 2008
Here Comes The Bride...
Sarah Palin was asked if she supported 'same sex' marriages. She replied, "You betcha, unless of course it's 'male-male' or 'female-female.'
Please Pass The Salt
Beijing's Wuhan Zoo has been feeding two of its pandas home-cooked chicken soup to help relieve stress and to provide a nutritional boost...What's next? Big Macs for the flamingoes?
"Viva La Barracuda!"
John McCain tells a cheering crowd, "Viva La Barracuda!" Sarah Palin turns to her husband and whispers, "Toddy, did Johnny just curse me in Spanish?"
The U.S. House of Representatives has joined the Senate in approving a huge 700 billion bailout plan. Both now out to convince the Gambino family.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
I smell a rat
Financial experts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Japanese Stock Exchange Jittery
The Tokyo Samurai Bank, (TSB) is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, the Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black, whilst 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop
Japanese Bank Woes
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for
sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Financial Crisis Hits Japan
The financial crisis has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
A Nice gift
A blind woman from Hartlepool has received a new kidney from her dad, whom she hasn't seen in years.
Perhaps being coached a little too much before VP debate, Sarah Palin told reporters yesterday that she would hate to see Barack Obama in charge of the nation's nuckular weapons.
Piano Makers forced to close
After fifty years the Steinmetz Piano company must close its doors forever. Petr Metz, CEO, ruefully said;"We will accept any reasonable offer on our large stock of pianos. No strings attached."
A man was arrested today for being lewd to a lady. He had opened a dry-cleaning business next door to a convent and knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits?
Taking in their Stride
Doctors have discovered that when Mongolians walk, they like to take big steppes.
Homer Simpson Will Be Voting
In an upcoming episode of 'The Simpsons,' Homer will be voting for Barack Obama. McCain was asked about this and he replied, "My friends, I don't know Homer Simpson...is he Jessica's father?
According to a disliked celebrity, Tuesday is the new Wednesday. What a twat.
written by Reuman Frijj, 03 October 2008
Pickles containing marijuana among other spices wins blue ribbon at Crossville, Tennessee County Fair, once judges finished off jar and quit giggling.
New French Welcoming Statue
In Paris, a man who died from licking his middle finger and inserting it in an overhead light socket, has been stuffed, mounted and placed in front of the Eiffel Tower.
TV Show Wins Green Award
Popular 1960's TV program "Gilligan's Island" won the coveted "Green Award" yesterday for the most recycled show ever to appear on television.
Social Workers Fail
Social workers in West Virginia attempting to turn child of worthless parents over to the care of some couple who are not related to the child's family, give up after three month search.
"Duck & Cover"
Schoolchildren in the United States are now getting special instructions on how to "Duck and Cover" during an earthquack!
Boy George Ready For Comeback
Boy George, after a brief spell at working as a DJ, says he's ready to form a band and hit the road again after leaving a ReFab Clinic in London.
Bomb-Sniffing Dog Found
A missing bomb-sniffing dog, gone for three days, has finally been discovered at a local theatre showing "Meet The Spartans".
Grandmother Left At Rest Stop
A couple were arrested Thursday for leaving the woman's grandmother at a Highway Rest Stop. The man stated, "Rest Stop, Rest Home, what's the difference? Besides, Granny loved seeing those big rigs."
Some Good News
An article in JAMA magazine has given a lot of people hope as recent testing of venom from Talk-Show callers could be used to bring people out of comas.
Victim Warns Other Passengers
A New York City subway victim warns fellow passengers never to smile at anyone while traveling underground there, especially if you have gold fillings.
According to a new report in Veterinarian Today, a neutered cat can still spray you or your furniture. It's called, "Phantom Balls Syndrome".
Homeland Security Alert
Homeland Security warned American citizens this morning to be aware of "Girl Scouts" selling cookies door to door, especially if they should be wearing veils or sporting beards.
Price Of Oil May Be Higher
In a bipartisan vote, the U.S. Congress agreed that the next president may have to go beyond holding hands to procure oil from Saudi Arabia.
Palin's Hairdo 80's; Ideas still 50's!
Sarah Palin abandoned the 50's Beehive for her big night with Joe Biden. But her rote recitation of the conservative partyline was still back in the beehive days of weak governing of the rich...
written by Pointer, 03 October 2008