Can They Maybe Next Time Take The Bus
Sarah Palin charged the Alaskan taxpayers $21,012 for 76 airline tickets for her little girls. When asked about it Palin replied, "Well...that's just one of the perks of being 'The Alaskan Queen.'
Ozzy Osbourne said "I don't know any f***ing Russian billionaire and I got enough money meself so whoever told you this bollox is a f***ing lying b*stard."
<shouts> "Sharon where's that F***ing tea?"
So That's How Custer Felt
The McCain campaign is concerned that the cavalry just ain't coming. 'Snowflake Sarah' Palin remarked, "Ya know, I think what probably happened is that they turned left at Detroit."
For Sale: One Chinese Fire Drill
Wal-Mart sets new rules for Chinese suppliers: Don't send any more 'Glow-in-The-Dark Rice' or Chinese checkers made from cat balls. And we are returning all unsold jalapeno-flavored chop sticks.
Hey Vito, Is That Your Toilet Ringing?
Texas prison officials are upset that many inmates have cell phones; a direct prison violation. One warden first became suspicious when the pizza delivery guy was showing up five or six times a day.
The Ball and Chain Vote
Maine and Vermont are the only two states that allow prisoners to vote. Maine has three inmates and Vermont has one. Billy, Flodell, and Spike are voting for Obama, Sal is voting for Pamela Anderson.
Very Litttle Helps!
A naked man found stuck up a chimney in a Tesco supermarket told police today that he was not going to burgle the shop but that he was dyslexic and he thought their slogan was: "Very Little Helps".
Sarkozy and Bruni Dolls
Publishers K&B have issued 20,000 voodoo dolls of Nicolas Sarkozy that you can stick pins in. They also produce a Carla Bruni inflatable doll and if you stick pins in that she'll go down on you!
Barack Obama has decided to take a few days off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother. Meanwhile, John McCain plans to spend still another day visiting his ailing campaign.
Offerings To Al
Since heating oil prices are scheduled to go up as much as gas prices this winter, thousands of consumers are planning to take a pilgrimage next month to make sacrificial offerings to Al Gore.
Spreading The Wealth
All the major U.S. polls still say the presidential race will be decided by the undecided voters, most apparently awaiting Obama's "Spreading the wealth around a bit".
Geologists say they have discovered prehistoric animal tracks so packed on a 3/4-acre site that they're calling it a 'dinosaur dance floor.'"We believe these to be Barney's ancesters", stated one.
A Texas farmer told reporters yesterday that what they were seeing in his field was the first known hendecagon crop circle. The farm is located only three miles from MENSA Headquarters in Arlington.
South Korean Scientist Kim Chin Hwa announced this morning that they have cloned the world's first non-butt-sniffing dog.
The Alaskan Taxpapers Are So Nice (and Soooo Generous)
Gov. Palin rented a room at New York City's Essex House for four nights at $707.29 a night. Bristol asked, "Mommy can we see Alaska from here?" Palin answered, "No honey, Central Park is in the way."
India launches it's first unmanned moon rocket. It's neighbor Bangladesh says it hopes to also launch it's first moon rocket just as soon as it can find a nice, affordable used one to buy.
Do You Accept Visa?
The United States owes The Republic of China $500 billion. China states, "And this time you're not paying us back in ribeyes, fajitas, and M&M's."
The Emperor Sticks His Cowboy Boot In His Mouth Again
President Bush says the US has to help poor nations. What??? Ahhhh look around Georgy boy because thanks to you and your GOPals WE are now one of those 'poor' nations.
I Left My Heart (and $$$) In San Francisco
San Francisco citizens will vote next month on a bill that would decriminalize prostitution.. politicians from all over the country are busily booking flights to San FrancisHo.'
A spokesman for the ASPCA reported that a record number of Pet Chias, nearly 15,000, had to be put down last year and asks people to be more responsible in their gift giving this year.
Yanni To The Rescue
Rescuers report that those eight people stuck on a New York City elevator for five hours did fine once some Yanni music was piped in and put them all to sleep.