McCain Blames Prostate for Ill-Tempered Remarks....
...prostate tells McCain, "Shut the hell up, old man!"
written by Jill The Shill, 13 October 2008
Police Search Successful
A police search party in Arizona announced this morning that they have successfully found Mr. Arnold Neuman's TV remote wedged between the refrigerator and kitchen cabinet.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Butt Slaps Slapped
A five year study by Sports Illustrated shows that 65 percent of all butt slaps are completely uncalled for.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Individual Labeling
Beginning in 2010, all fast food restaurants in California will have to have individual Truth in Advertising labels on each and every chicken nugget, buffalo wing and french fry.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Jessica Romo?
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his pinkie finger during their loss to the Arizona Cardinals. His girlfriend Jessica Simpson replied, "Hey y'all I'm just happy it wasn't his ring finger."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
It'll Be a Nice 'Shotgunless' Wedding
Gov. Palin's daughter Bristol, 17, finally talks to the media. "Hi everybody, my name's Bristol, I'm pregnant, and no my mama did not point a shotgun at my boyfriend Levi...it was a rifle actually."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
The Bumbling Buckaroo's Gonna Getcha
Cambodia warns Thailand it better stop trespassing. Prime Minister Hun Sen said, "If you do not stop coming into our country illegally, I will have no choice but to call up Bush and report you."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
The Proud Alaskan Mother-in-Law
Gov. Palin's future son-in-law, Levi Johnston is an avid hunter. He has boasted of having bagged bears, sheep, elk, and caribou. Gov. Palin quipped, "And now Levi has bagged himself a Palin."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
30,000 Felons Illegally Registered to Vote in Florida
Among other questionable registered voters in Florida are 30,000 gators and 30 cartoon characters walking around Disneyworld, all registered Democrats - except Donald Duck.
written by Judge Retort, 13 October 2008
New Study Links High Sperm Count to Intelligence: Palin Urges Vasectomy for DEMS!
Backed by the Surgeon General, Governor Palin urged IQ challenged DEMS to lay off in hopes of curtailing stupidity in Congress. Seems doubtful as ACORN continues to register voters from low gene pool
written by unknown
They Won't Be 'Heart's' Opening Act
Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger says if the GOP loses the election that she'd welcome Sarah Palin into the group. Palin responds, "Well only if they change the name to "The Pussycat Hockey Moms."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
The Sofa King
Lauren Bacall says that Tom Cruise is a 'maniac." Tom yells out, "The crazy old bag is nothing but a Jeopardy answer...I'm gonna go to her house and jump on her sofa."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
Rolls Royces' 'Silver Spirit' to have make over
The 'Silver Spirit' mascot that has adorned Rolls Royce cars for almost a century is to be replaced by the 'Siren' - a golden model of Kate Moss.
written by IN SEINE, 13 October 2008
Psychic Terrorists Strike
Psychics are threatening to repossess clients who were once possessed by evil spirits. "It all the rage these days" says Derek Accorah.
written by IN SEINE, 13 October 2008
Pelosi Calls House Back to Session, Offers New Stimulus Package!
Saying "We'll have time on our hands now", referring to Obama Presidency, the speaker gifted her supporters with ribbon wrapped solar powered dildos. She reminded them " to keep your thumb on it!"
written by unknown
Left Right, Left Right, Left Right...
Political Consultant Bob Shrum asked McCain: "Have you no sense of decency left?" McCain responded "The politically correct phrase is, 'Have you no sense of decency right?'"
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
DEMS Now Lead GOP 5-1 In Illegal Voter Registrations!
Florida leads ACORN voter drive with 108,000 convicted felons registered. No one has time to check identities. DEMS say they'll look into it "next year!" GOP says "Supreme Court will settle it!"
written by unknown
"I Know, I Know, I Know, I Know and So On and On and On..."
The song 'Womanizer' by Britney Spears breaks 'The Repetitive Word in a Song' record. 'Womanizer' is repeated 7,261 times breaking Bill Wither's record set with 'Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
The Scarlet Governor
Actress Sigourney Weaver cannot stand Sarah Palin. She says that the only thing they both have in common is that they both wear skirts...and also the letter 'S.'
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
Waiter, bring me the check please...and my gun
MEMO TO MAFIA MOBSTERS: Since so many of you seem to get shot while having dinner in restaurants, wouldn't it be better to just use the drive-thru or have Domino's deliver?
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
Gordon Brown's Eyesight Continuing to Fail.."can't see Shit" says aide!
The PM, blind in one eye from Rugby injury, hampered by cataract in other, continues to stumble leading the Labour Party. "it's really getting messy at 10 Downing, he keeps steppin' in IT" aide said
written by unknown
The American Kennel Club (Local 54321)
Star Jones says that the girls on 'The View' were hateful. Reports are that Joy bit her five times, Barbara bit her three times, and Elizabeth peed on her twice.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
Oops She's Back!
Britney Spears denies rumors that her first choice for the male lead in her latest song video, 'The Womanizer' was John Edwards.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
The Highly Versatile Senator Barack Obama
Angelina Jolie says "Barack Obama would be great for my family. He can cook, he's great with kids, and he's been to Kenya."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
Myrtle Beach Police Investigate Shooting at Derriere's Gentlemen's Club!
Shot in the ass, visiting politician, Barney Frank declined to press charges. "I got it all backwards, I thought it was a different kind of club."
written by unknown
Hillary Clinton: R-Rated
Hillary Clinton states that America will once again rise from the ashes of the Bushes. John McCain replies: "There is really no reason for her to be using that type of sexually explicit language."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
Old Age Eliminated?
A new study claims that the use of red wine can totally eliminate old age. "The more you drink, the less likely you are to reach it", stated the report.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Palin Bikini Approved
While everyone agreed that neither Obama nor McCain scored a knockout punch last Tuesday night, everyone agreed that they enjoyed Sarah Palin carrying the round numbers while wearing a bikini.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Hunka Hunka!
40-year old Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to twins over the weekend apparently naming them, Hunka Hunka and Banana Sandwich.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Easy, Easy Money For Nothing
After consulting with Barack Obama, Democrat leaders may come back to congress to work on another tax rebate, more food stamps issued, "money for nothing, chicks for free".
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Barack Claiming 57 States
On the campaign trail yesterday, Barack Obama claimed he could possibly win all 57 states. Meanwhile, John McCain was claiming to be ahead in all 13 colonies.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Bush Blames Thefts
President Bush told reporters yesterday that he blames the record number of Alzheimers patients on the recent rash of identity thefts.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Mime Leaves Interpretation Note
Police in Chicago say they have discovered the body of a mime in a large sand pile near a construction site and that they're now trying to decode his suicide interpretation he left in the sand.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Amazing Amazon Discovery
Paleontologists exploring new areas of the Amazon Forest report the finding of a giant pile of lost single socks.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Kim Jong Dismantling Along With Weapons
North Korea announced Sunday that they will continue work on dismantling their nuclear facilities while their leader, Kim Jong Il's, mental faculties will continue dismantling on their own.
written by Bureau, 13 October 2008
Paddington Bear is 50 today
Paddington Bear's 50th birthday party tour around London in an open-topped bus has been cancelled due assassination threats by the Popular Front for the Liberation of Wandsworth.
written by Rusty, 13 October 2008
McCain Tones Down Mob Incitation
John McCain promised to lower the level of inflammatory speech at Republican rallies. He vowed to burn a cross half the usual size in the future!
written by Pointer, 13 October 2008
And The Category Is: Hurricane Names
The National Hurricane Center reports that Hurricane Nana has formed in the eastern Atlantic. Names for the 2009 hurricane season include Hurricane Grandpa, Hurricane Mommy, and Hurricane Aunty.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
"Hello Appalachia, I'm Just One Of You"
Gov. Palin visits Appalachia: "Hi small town people, I know what it means to have your dog sled repossessed, I've seen dilapidated igloos, and people who can't afford insurance for their snowmobiles."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
In Other Words: McCain's Straight Talk Express
"My friends, I'm gonna whip 'that one's' you-know-what, and then I'm gonna kick you-know-who's, you-know-whats, you-know-when, you-know-where, and you-know-why."
written by Abel Rodriguez, 13 October 2008
