New study out on chaotic origins of solar system

Funny story written by Frank Cotolo

Thursday, 26 May 2005

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Planets in our solar system needed to find their space in space, study says.

BEND LUCY, Wisc. -- By using an expensive computer, scientists have developed a story of chaos in the creation of our solar system that, they agree, explains mysteries about our solar system.

"I never dreamed this study would be so successful," said Professor Ortstein Von Kibblemaven, who was one of the group who used the expensive computer to study the solar system. "But I did dream once that Madonna came to my house dressed in black leather and she sang the names of all the planets to me."

In a single study, Von Kibblemaven and his colleagues claim they have answered many of the questions always asked about our solar system.

"Like," said Professor Wibbling Start, who also worked on the project, "what set off that intense asteroid bombardment three-point-nine billion years ago that created lava-filled basins on the moon and probably set back the development of life on Earth. It was hard enough remembering something like that happened so long ago, no less why it happened. Now we know."

"Also," Start said, "we found out why Jupiter and Saturn left their circular orbits and took on oval paths. And we know now how their orbits became so tilted. We feel stupid now that we know the answers. Shoot, they were right in front of our noses."

The study presents the scenario that some four-point-six billion years ago, our sun and its planets formed from the gravitational collapse of a cloud of gas, dust and ice so large that it could produce mass objects like planets.

But the scenario also adopts the controversial position that the solar system started out as only a small area, no larger than a box of breakfast cereal. In this scenario, for example, Neptune was the size of a golf ball.

So the question of what happened over eons-that the planets grew into chunks measuring up to hundreds of miles across-"is answered by our study, which proves that golf-sized objects can turn into planets in a solar system."

Here's what else the scenario suggests:

As the planets grew and went into orbit, each one became heavier. And when Uranus, Neptune and Saturn grew to the size they are now, they could no longer occupy the same space they did when they were the size of golf balls.

"Also," Professor Pickwick Stylus said, "the closer to the sun each was, the hotter each became."

Then all hell broke loose.

Because of the planets tugs on each other, the study group said, Jupiter and Saturn began to leave the solar system, which wreaked gravitational havoc on the much less massive Uranus and Neptune.

"We still don't know why Jupiter and Saturn began to leave," Stylus said. "There was plenty of room for them and all the other planets seemed to like them.

"We also learned," said Stylus, "that Uranus and Neptune eventually bumped into the orbits of other planets seen today, which in itself has no importance, even though it must have been very loud."

The study also explains the presence and highly tilted orbits of Jupiter's moons. "While some scientists have suggested they formed near Jupiter," Stylus said, "the scenario suggests they developed in another solar system and flew to our solar system, where Jupiter grew to the size that would fit their orbits."

Raoul Manslaughter, a professor of planetary sciences at the University of Waken Smelldacoffee, called the new study "very stupid and lacking evidence," but said it's probably the last word on the subject because everyone is pretty much tired of the subject.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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