'Create your own blood' vessels grows scientists' engineering success into brain transplants

Funny story written by Noddy Bigears

Friday, 17 June 2005

image for 'Create your own blood' vessels grows scientists' engineering success into brain transplants
Scientists Can Now Enhance Their Intelligence Using Various Host Materials

London based scientists have raced ahead in the search for Enhanced Artificial & Natural Intelligence (EANI) by discovering how to grow their own blood vessels into natural objects including Citrullus vulgaris.

The cloning technique involves extracting small blood vessel from the scientists' brain and then transplanting these ‘seed vessels' into various fruits although most success to date has been achieved with water melons, specifically the species Citrullus vulgaris. They have tried also a range of vegetables including potatoes, parsnips and brussel sprouts as a media for the accelerated growth of the blood vessels but results were not only disappointing but caused rapid decay of the host material as well.

Microbial DNA of Citrullus vulgaris, the common water melon is however, a 99.987684% match to the human brain cells thus making it an ideal substrate for the growth of the blood vessels to a significant size. The host material contains all the necessary minerals, sugars and vitamins for the successful self propagation of the vessels over several weeks. Deterioration of the host has been reduced and limited by treating them with a chemical refined during cellular ageing trials.

The lead researcher, Dr Laura Nikalson commented to the Lancet medical journal this week "The ability to grow new vessels from older vessel cells represents a crucial initial step toward growing blood vessels from a patient's own cells that can be used to treat that patient's vascular disease."

Unfortunately, the ethical committee of the World Health Organization (WHO) has expressed serious concerns about the extraction and use of the blood vessels from the Citrullus vulgaris host. According to the current guide lines, the host is now a partially living humanoid with some distinct characteristics including personality defects from its early growth cycle and possibly a range of complexes related to previous genetically induced seasonal variations.

Eric Brey, a biomedical engineer from Chicago's Illinois Institute of Technology has claimed that it may be possible to eliminate any pre-transplant personality by intense neutron radiation or if possible to reduce tissue drama, as the early trials resulted in a melon soup, use a lower mixed dosage of neutron and gamma radiation whilst feeding by drip.

If the ethical concerns can be successful addressed, the new scientific breakthrough is expected to radically alter the prospective of non-intensive excessively invasive health care for a large number of medical complaints including ‘pins and needles' which may affect 54% of the population. The new blood vessels are easily fed into the old using a flexible surgical needle and a piece of carbon fiber string. One last superb advantage of the new technology still remains, the left over Citrullus vulgaris host can be used in numerous culinary dishes including melon and ham pie with short crust pastry.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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