Man Cave Paintings Yield Clues to Early Culture

Funny story written by Q. William Bacon

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

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Homo Domesticus requires a cave

FLINT, Michigan - In the windowless basement of a long-abandoned home, scientists believe they have discovered the oldest known man cave.

The cave contains the ruins of a billiard table and tiny wet bar, but this was useless in dating the structure precisely. However, crude paintings preserved on the walls provided the key that paleontologists needed.

Anthropologist J. David Sallen of the Harvard Peabody Museum explains, "The paintings were rendered with black cigar ash, red ketchup, and yellow-green cheez whiz. Three figures are discernable.

"The first figure is a rough depiction of a Mustang. But the rendering includes curiously minute details, such as chrome fender badges and side-scooped duct ports, indicating that the artist owned, or at least worshipped, the 1965 Mustang with the 289 cubic inch upgraded V8.

"The second figure is a woman wearing animal furs. Her bosom is highly exaggerated, as is common in man cave art. I have definitively traced this fertility symbol to the movie poster for "One Million Years B.C." starring Racquel Welch, which was released in 1966.

"The third clue is a band of male figures. These hominids are much more hairy than modern man. The figures are flailing about, their long hair flying around. The front male appears to be biting the head off a small bird or bat. I suggest that this is a depiction of the musical group Black Sabbath. The band was formed in 1968, at the dawn of the Metal Age.

"Thus, I claim this man cave was created as early as 1964 and was still in use in 1970. This places the cave decades earlier than home theatre systems, video games, and hair bands. If I am correct, then Homo Domesticus needed to be left alone far earlier than science previously thought."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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