Written by Herrdoktorfox

Tuesday, 7 September 2010


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image for POW Camp Unearthed!!!
January 1939 page three spread in "Frauleins" magazine

Stunned Irishman Finbar McNamara,39, was digging in his 40 acre garden-and uncovered a prisoner of war camp! Finbar,a local handyman of questionable parentage and intelligence, Much Hadham in Hertfordshire, nearly dropped his 1.5 litre bottle of Jamesons upon discovering a dogged ear copy of, "Frauleins". The little heard of, but much sought after (by ecumenical and judicial groups) war time German wank magazine was originally issued to German POW's predominantly in Welsh POW camps, to protect British Sheep.

Seeking advice from local Reverend, Neil Downe,68, himself no slouch when it came to trawling the Internet it was discovered that Finbars 40 acres was once the location of "The Screws" POW Camp opened in 1939 to house Italian prisoners but later took Germans as well.

After wrestling the magazine away from Reverend Downe the two men made a pact over a pint of Abbot Ale in local hostelry, 'The Nuns Crevice'. Neither would say a word about the discovery and they would split any and all profits 80/20% to Finbar-providing he let the Reverend keep any and all further copies of Fraulien magazine.

More than satisfied with this arrangement, Finbar returned to his humble abode and sought immediate permission from his landlord, Ramid Hussain Patel, to dig the 40 acres over in order to 'plant' vegetables. Mr Patel was delighted with this news as he secretly had every intention of evicting Finbar in the near future in order to build a drive-in Curry House. Thus, such unpaid digging would save on expensive excavation work, yes please!

Grabbing his shovel, Finbar returned to his garden and started digging like a man possessed, within a few hours he had unearthed-in no particular order-500 standard issue HM toliet rolls,used ammunition, half eaten uniforms,numerous identity tags,fly buttons,three tins of fish paste,a pair of Luftwaffe pilots stained underpants,a stale salami roll and copious skeletons, some with the heads still intact, plus a live grenade.

Upon discovering the latter Finbar decided to stop for a tea break while attempting to defuse the grenade . However, after several attempts to unscrew the grenade with his teeth it went off in his mouth, sending Finbars dentures into orbit! "Feckin' hell screamed Finbar, I only got dose a week ago bejasus!"...he immediately carried on digging. Within five minutes he unearth a 500lb Wurlitzer MarkII bomb and immediately set about defusing that also, again he was blown sky high, his left leg ending up in neighbouring Essex and his testicals left dangling from the church spire.

As he staggered out of the large crater covered in crap and using the shovel as a crutch Finbar was heard to comment, "feck, dat was a loud one to be sure bejasus!"

After cleaning himself up Finbar continued his unending task of clearing his forty acres, local residents have been reporting numerous 'explosions' over as many nights but local Police are loathe to investigate in case there are nasty, vicious travellers about who might attack them.

However, our reporter has received a phone call from nearby Herts & Essex Hospital A&E department pertaining to a somewhat strange, and to date, unsolved mystery? According to local Ambulance driver, Dick Rasch, who was passing Finbars residence whilst on duty at 2am in the morning, he had to brake suddenly when confronted with a talking head in the middle of the road. Dick immediately put the head in an ice buket and dropped it off at A&E, seemingly the staff are being verbally abused 24/7 by the talking head!

Furthermore, reports are now beginning to flood in of various body parts being discovered throughout the East Of England. A Mrs Agatha Smythe-Jones, wife of Stansted Mountfitchet Councillor, Francesco, told Police she was appalled to find a rather elongated and unwashed penis in her flowering Petunia bed. "No wonder there are so many STD cases around these days, such dirty people should not have unprotected sex!" she screamed, grabbing a young Constables crotch before storming off in a huff.

At time of going to press, all appears to be quiet on the Eastern Front with 39 acres still left to be dug up.

Kay Burly is checking her hanging basket for any naughty bits!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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