Shocking Find: Study of Kids Whose Moms Lived near Cell-Phone towers During Pregnancy Released

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Wednesday, 23 June 2010

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The Nokia 5190: The Best Chick Magnet of 1995.

There has been a shocking find from a multi-year study of children whose mothers lived close to a cell phone tower while pregnant, and health insurers, personal injury attorneys and telecom giants are scrabmling to decipher the results and exploit them however possible.

Between World Cup failure, British "scienticians" studied 1,397 cancer cases in children up to age 4 from 1999 to 2001 in the United Kingdom. The results were shocking.

In 5,588 cases, children whose mothers bunked under a cell phone tower were no more likely to have cancer. They were 97% more likely, however, to have a signal strength of 4 or more bars.

In an Adjunct study, of the 2,001 children whose moms lived near Branson-Mobile UK cell towers, not one child got cancer. The same study, paid for by the Branson Health Corporation, showed that 37% of moms near Yodafone towers were irradiated to the point of DNA mutation, and 14% of moms were hit by lethal bolts of lightning emanating from the Vodafone towers.

Interestingly. the same study found that every kid near Tesla-Mobile towers got cancer.

(UPDATE: I read that wrong. What I thought was "cancer" actually read "locked into a crappy contract." My humblest apologies.)

By the way, the NHS, flawlessly executing their appointed tasks, f-cked up the national birth registry that mis-identified cancer patients as "Onset of Puberty Delayed By External Factors." This revelation could have ruined the results of the study, but, as one researcher put it, "I can't risk my academic grant just cuz the National Health cocked up the data, then."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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