Benefits of Smoking Revealed in New Study

Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 8 April 2010

image for Benefits of Smoking Revealed in New Study
Dr. Hyrum Weazer. 1959 - 2010. Beloved husband, father and smoker.

A new study released to the press yesterday, claims that a number of financial and lifestyle benefits can be attained through the regular daily use of tobacco products.

Unveiled by the Southern Heuristic Institute of Tobacco, in conjunction with the Brotherhood of Regional Economists, Advocates and Tobacco Horticulturists, the study goes into specific detail of how the effects of smoking can directly reduce the user's out of pocket costs in multiple financial areas, as well as increases a number of non monetary social benefits.

Representatives from the S.H.I.T. and B.R.E.A.T.H. organizations met with the press to outline some of their findings. Dr. Hyrum Weazer says, "It was amazing to our researchers, how many different ways costs can be cut out of your monthly budget, if you are a regular smoker."

Dr. Weazer's examples included:

• Reduced water usage, shampoo and soap costs
• Reduced in home food bills and restaurant costs
• Reduced housing costs
• Improved income and job responsibilities
• Improved social comforts

Dr. Weazer went on to explain how the clothing permeable fragrances produced by smoking today's improved tobacco, eliminates the need to take showers. "There's a real benefit for menthol smokers there, no one will ever know you didn't take a shower that day". Other benefits included money saved on food, because the heavy smoker would not be able to taste the difference between cheap or expensive fare. "Stick to cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches, I say", says Weazer.

When it came to the larger financial implications, Weazer explains, "You certainly don't need to worry about expensive neighborhoods with good air quality. Buy a house next to a petroleum refinery and save the dough." With regard to working income, Weaver says, "Smoking calms the nerves, stimulates the body and turns you into a 14 hour a day workhorse. Employers love that." Finally Weazer was asked to explain what was meant by "social comforts". "Well", Weaver replied sheepishly, "You can certainly break the wind without anyone smelling the difference."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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