A SICK PERVERT who attempted to fake his own death by SELF-ABUSING himself for forty-eight hours was today sentenced to spend the rest of his life in a recently-carpeted bungalow in beautiful Lytham St Annes, AT YOUR EXPENSE!
The MONSTER who cannot be named under EU BUREAUCRATIC LAWS in case right-thinking people HUNT HIM DOWN and MURDER HIM, carried out a series of HUMILIATING and DEPRAVED acts on himself using a hot water bottle and a pipe cleaner.
But you will be so ANGRY that this LUCKY BASTARD, who went as far as MURDERING several people and faking paranoid schizophrenia just so he can claim STATE HANDOUTS, will lead the LIFE OF REILLY behind net curtains on the idyllic Fylde coast because a judge granted him a new identity, including FREE ENGLAND SHIRTS and SHORTS for every day of the week, all the TATTOOS he wants, FREE News of the Screws each day, and FREE PIE and CHIPS and a PINT at the Hope and Anchor in Morecambe, not to mention an account with PADDY POWER.
But even all that probably won't make this CHEEKY BEGGAR happy.
We hope he CHOKES on the EMOTIVE RUBBISH served up in the News of the Screws. It MAKES PEOPLE SO ANGRY they want to CHOKE, because unlike The Spoof, the News of the Screws is a manipulative newspaper that prints what people want to read and takes their hard-earned money.