Science Proves Texting While Driving Dangerous

Written by JP Johnston

Wednesday, 23 December 2009


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I Totally Hurt That Bit Under My Tongue, Man

Science has triumphed again. The University of Life in Utah has published a study which details why texting (sending SMS messages on a cellular phone) while driving an automobile is dangerous.

"Forward lateral control is markedly reduced," said Professor Skankbot at a press conference yesterday. "We notice that when the temporal lobe is stimulated, in an association or recall task, such as texting, transmission times for neurons in the visual cortex is reduced, and motor neurons' trigger thresholds are increased. In fact, reading a text has a powerful global effect on most of the brain regions associated with co-ordination, and the loading on the corpus callosum is enormous. This would have a detrimental effect on an activity such as driving."

"So it's not because you're looking into your lap writing a fucking text to some idiot about performing oral sex on a work colleague instead of paying attention while your car drifts into oncoming traffic then, Einstein?" I asked.

Professor Skankbot has published a number of other results recently. His team discovered that drinking a bottle of vodka and then playing naked with a samurai sword increases risk of genital injury. They also describe how snorting a whole gram of excellent cocaine and then being interviewed on local radio increases risk of making a complete dick out of yourself. His team have also been the first to note that males talking over their shoulders to someone behind them while pissing in a bar urinal increases the risk to shoes.

A spokesman from university security said, "Fuck off and don't come back, smartass."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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