Scientists in Utrecht in The Netherlands have discovered that eating pastry products can greatly increase virility, decrease the chances of heart disease and give a feeling of general well-being.
Dr Strabismus, whom God preserve of Utrecht, told the world's press. "Pies, it's all down to pies: pork pies, potato pies, meat, apple. It doesn't matter what it is, just get it down yer f*****g necks as fast as you can. The more the better, as far as my colleagues and I are concerned. Forget all that bollocks about eating all that healthy stuff. It's all shit, I tell you, shit. Stuff yourself full of pastry products and you will live until you are a hundred, and be shagging yourself silly into the bargain."
Dr Stabismus, at twenty five stones is a living indictment of his advice. During the five minute interview he ate four steak pies, an apple turnover and a mars bar en cruet. Not only that, but he performed full sex twice, oral sex once and even had time for a quick w**k.
This reporter for one was highly impressed, and is off to get himself a couple Greggs Pasties.
