Parents should not allow under-fives to breath fresh air, an ologologist has said, in a bid to earn a fiver to buy his fake degree, or at least to get the next round in.
Professor Hugh Hee said toddlers were 'most likely to run around and breath fresh air and pick their noses, and generally get dirty and catch germs and live lives and be human. Such behaviour must now end, and the under-fives should be sealed inside plastic oxygen tents, if only to get quacks like me in the news.'
Forty-nine cases of sheltered childhoods have been reported in South-East England this week, and Minister of Crybabies Sir X. Penses-Thieffer said: 'Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah. No news today, keep quiet about crooked MPs and British soldiers dying to murder Iraqi civilians for oil, blah blah blah.'
'Blah blah blah, awww, the poor wee kiddies, blah blah blah, blah blah. Hundreds of thousands of farming families have children that touch animals every day with no problems, blah blah blah blah blah. Why doesn't the BBC broadcast real news any more instead of this non-event crap? Blah Blah blah blah blahhhh .....'
Next week another scientist will call for 'toddlers to stop eating, as food is now possibly harmful and should either be outlawed or at least made into a major news item, with me being interviewed about it.'
Visiting figures at city farms across the United Kingdom rose dramatically this weekend at the news, as parents realised that if the BBC brought out a news story about anything being 'dangerous' or 'a tad scary' it would just be a joke like wotsit 'flu, and not worth bothering about.
Lord Reith's grave moved another few inches sideways this week.