Equal Opportunity Sperms Coming Soon

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Friday, 31 July 2009


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The race is on

In the ejaculate of the average male, there are over one million sperm. Only one of these, the first to reach and penetrate the egg, can be considered "successful;" The others all die in the attempt. Obviously, the most successful sperms are the ones that are in the first drop/shot out of the barrel and those that come dribbling out in future drops cannot be successful.

The American Civil Liberties Union has announced that they are seeking Equal Opportunity for Sperms. Rhonda Naugahyde, an ACLU attorney, gave the following statement:

"We believe that it is unfair and discriminatory that the fastest sperms or those at the front of the line should receive unfair opportunity to fertilize the egg. We are suing on behalf of the other 99% of sperm that are not in the forefront of that first drop of ejaculate fluid."

"As our opponents say that life begins at conception, and it can also be shown that the wiggly little sperm are alive, we now believe that life begins before conception; it begins in the testicles."

"We are also suing on behalf of those sperm which are denied equal opportunity by being shot into condoms, shot out during masturbation or wet dreams, or are dispensed into other orifices such as a mouth or rectum, or even in homosexual sex. They have also been denied their fundamental right of reproduction."

"You should also take a look at what happens to those faster, more successful sperm. Every single one creates a pregnancy that is uncomfortable for the mother. After the painful birth, these successful sperm offspring are always crybabies. Would these things happen if a slower sperm was allowed to fertilize the egg?"

When asked who exactly they were suing, the A.C.L.U. responded that they were suing all men in the world, as every one contributed to the problem and all were here as a results of fastest/first drop sperm success. All women in the world were named as co-defendants for using birth control, giving oral sex, or "tantilizing men into masturbation with their feminine ways."

The A.C.L.U was unable to offer a solution, saying that "scientists can come up with something that makes it more fair."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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