Dear Fr. Francois:
I am a 36-year-old man living in Huntington, West Virginia. I have an excellent job with a financial institution; my salary, after taxes, is $310,000 per year. My rent and living expenses use up about $70,000 per year. The remaining $240,000 is "disposable income." And I certainly dispose of it, and in the worst of ways, too!
You see, Fr. Francois, I spend all of my money on women, most of whom are prostitutes or common whores. On a typical date, I will shell out $2000 to $3000 in order to get laid, but mostly, I just get screwed, not kissed. In other words, ninety-nine percent of the time, the woman I have spent an enormous amount of money on will refuse to put out, leaving me to go home, once again, with a terrible case of lover's nuts.
And what is worse, even the prostitutes I pay for sex refuse to give me sex! I have hired every prostitute in the tri-state area of West Virginia, Ohio and Kentucky. After spending well over $1,000,000 in four years, I've only had sex twice, both times with myself, and I overpaid those two times!
I am going broke; bankruptcy looms large in my future. I will lose my home, my job, my automobiles, my ski boat, my condo in Panama City-everything that means anything to me. All over women to whom I pay out enormous sums of cash, for no good reason at all.
Please Father, what should I do to end this cycle of paying women, through the nose, for sex I am not receiving?
It is time you faced facts! All men pay all women for the promise of pussy, and most get screwed without ever getting laid. Quit your bitching. Find a woman you already hate, give everything you have to her, and shoot yourself in the head.
Fr. Francois Dubois, S.J.