Do'untiano, Idaho - Walter Helmsley is positive that the future of the electric car is going to be a stormy one. He is so sure of it, that he has invested the family fortune into a factory that will produce a totally unique form of electric vehicle. The car, which is expected to hit markets as soon as the world stops laughing at it, is called the Converted Static Electricity Transportation Module, and is only available in a burnt orange color.
The Converted Static Electricity Transportation Module operates on a series of DC batteries, a relatively common feature of electric cars. Where it differs from the norm is in the method of charging, which actually requires a bolt of lightning to strike a super-charged lightning rod mounted on an antennae on the vehicle's roof.
The first model of Converted Static Electricity Transportation Module resembles the ill-fated Ford Pinto, a similarity that Helmsley says was intentional. "I saw one of those cars get rear-ended a long time ago, and as soon as I saw the footage of our first test session, all I could think of how much the blast looked like that Pinto, so I made a few body changes, and here it is."
When asked about the unusually long and technical name, Helmsley replied, "We wanted to call it Volt, but that was taken, and my cousin Ernie even liked Jolt, but some cola company took that, all the good names were taken, like Bolt, Charger, Lightning, Blast, and Zap. I finally gave up, and just named it what it is. Might start a new trend, you know?"
While details of the exact mechanism have not been released, the basic function of the car is that there is a pendulum in the engine compartment which rubs two pieces of carpet together vigorously as the vehicle is being driven, attracting sky-to-car lightning strikes. Helmsley said the car is not intended for use during storms, but should simply be parked on a hilltop. "One time, I was driving into town, and this big ball lightning developed behind me. I guess it chased me for about ten miles before it finally gave up the chase. Everytime it would get close, a little of it would zap my car, and away I would zoom again! It was a wild ride!"
Helmsley was unwilling to disclose the number of advanced orders he has accumulated, but assured us that sales were 100% higher than they had originally anticipated.