Drinking alcohol cuts the risk of developing arthritis by half, Swedish research has suggested.
Taking a swig of Finnish vodka, Professor Hurd E Gurdy said: 'Where is my pen gone? Ya, alcohol cuts the risk of thingy by half, so what? Want to make something of it?'
And another researcher, Anna Abbadabbasson, spilling a test tube of corrosive acid onto the floor, added: 'Arthri-er, arth, shore fingersh are less likely with a good whack of Schmirnoff every day. Get off me, Hurd!'
In the research laboratory's restaurant, a huge fist fight broke out after a lager and schnapps party was being held there to celebrate the findings, and paramedics had to treat 3 biologists for cuts and bruises, and one for a fractured jaw. And Professor Gurdy had more news to announce: 'My liver transplant has been arranged for July, if I haven't had a heart attack by then.'
Scientists have long known of the benefits of alcohol, such as giving plenty of overtime to policemen, and giving heart, liver and kidney surgeons lots of practice, but arthritis has no cure, and so it's lucky that eating dandelions or walking backwards could just as easily 'cut the risk' of arthritis.
But speaking from America, from his Huge Electricity-Burning House on the Prairie, after parking his Lear jet beside it, Nobel Prize winner Al 'Alky' Gore said: 'I suppose you can take a few simple facts and make them mean anything, sure worked for me.' Johnny Walker was on holiday in Japan.
