It Ain't No Auger

Funny story written by walter

Thursday, 22 May 2008


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Having seen the article 'Scientists at Newcastle University, England, announced last month that they had created the first part-human, part-animal hybrid embryos ', April 1, 2008, BBC News, Health, I immediately saddled my fast electromagnetic horse, and, like the Thermo-man, swished into future and past.

No sooner had I reached Near East and Middle East than I thought I was watching a movie on a sky-wide screen. The horizon stunned me. I saw hundreds of thousands of satyrs, a troop of male companions of Pan and Dionysus, wearing bullet proof jackets on the human parts and armors, on their horses or goat parts. Additionally, they were equipped with most lethal weapons. They were razing everything to the ground. Their command posts were high in the air, like AWACS, and regular humans were leading the satyrs on the battle grounds. I could see millions of inhabitants of Syria and Lebanon and other neighboring counties driven into Mediterranean Sea or other seas.

Terrified, I turned back in time and reached the period of Ancient Greek gods. There, I saw them all sitting round a table discussing their sort of copyright issues. A debauched goat god, Pan, presided over the meeting, hanging his flute case from his erected penis. He angrily pounded on the table, saying, "These ***ed up dummy creatures should not be allowed to clone us, part-human, part-animal gods. While he was speaking, a child god suddenly pulled his erect penis and let it go with a bang which forced Pan to cry out 'Ouch'!

Now, from a dark corner, I heard a wheezing voice, saying, "What's wrong with it, Tan Pan? My country, growing fast, is going to have another queen, and this new energetic KGB man has not been able to get rid of an old habit: the fixation of keeping his right hand stationary and bending his right shoulder downward while walking because of years of carrying his rifle on the right shoulder. Of course, he can move his left hand in accord with his gates like other enlisted men in parades. Yes, now he is going to be our new Tsar. Certainly his newly-married wife will have nothing to do other than satisfying her egos, i.e. becoming a queen."

Pan, scratching his belly due to the percussion, asked, "Who the hell are you?"

"Tsarina, Queen, Katherine, the Great. Although I had many men doing me 'as and when needed', and after each delivery I left a box of 100,000 rubles for the young soldiers, I remained hungry for more and more. I could not find a guy to fully quench the everlasting burning fire in my crotch. Actually none were so super as you are, Tan Pan. Where were you at that time? I could have dispatched a Cossack brigade to capture you. I have been all the time waiting for you and I still do need you so badly!"

"You must have been out of your mind, Madam Tsarina. When I was around, there were so many pretty young princesses in the palace that I did not bother to cast a look at your fat ass. Why should I have cared for you, after all? Now, after 200 years, you have come to me demanding to do it with you? No, ma'am, this is a dick; it ain't no auger to bore a hole into a cavity clogged with stalactites and stalagmites!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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