Senator Edward M. Kennedy successfully underwent exploratory brain surgery yesterday at the Mad Science Brain Center in the Magic Kingdom at Florida's Disney World.
A brain tumor was suspected based on preliminary tests and several bizarre acts on Mr. Kennedy's part, such as his recent purchase of the Elephant Man's bones from a cash-strapped Michael Jackson and a ring that once belonged to Lucrezia Borgia, but nothing untoward was found, said the doctor who performed the procedure.
Mr. Kennedy, 76, was stricken two weeks ago with a sudden urge to be appointed US ambassador to the UK, defy Prohibition and pressure his sons to enter politics while repeatedly demanding that his secretary "hurry the hell up" and get President Franklin Delano Roosevelt on the "horn", if she didn't "want the sack".
Dr. Curt Siodmak suggests the problem arose not from any actual medical problem inside the relatively pristine cranium of Ted Kennedy, but from a short in the electrical wires connected to the glass tank where Dr. Siodmak is keeping alive the brain of Joseph P. Kennedy, Sr.
"Under normal circumstances, no difficulty arises and the will of Joe Kennedy is fully and rationally in control of his progeny," said Dr. Siodmak.
When that delicate control faltered, Ted found himself unable to make coherent decisions, remember where he had parked his car(particularly when parked underwater) and occasionally convinced that WWII had not yet been won.
Rumours suggest that this is not the first such difficulty.
Dr.Siodmak said after the procedure that Mr. Kennedy, whose brain matter spent three and half hours under the knife before undergoing a thorough "washing", should experience no permanent neurological effects from the surgery.
Siodmak admitted that a fair-sized chunk of brain matter had indeed been removed, a process surgeons call "debulking", but assured reporters that the absence will make no discernable difference.
"I am pleased to report that Senator Kennedy's surgery was successful, expensive and entirely unnecessary," Dr. Curt Siodmak , co-director of the Mad Science Brain Center, said in a statement.
Mr. Kennedy told his wife Vicki immediately after the surgery, "I feel like a million bucks," according to a Kennedy spokesman.
By an astonishing coincidence, 'a million bucks' was the hospital bill total for Senator Kennedy's entirely unnecessary ordeal, say hospital sources.
In related news, the brain of fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent is to be kept alive alongside that of Lassie, Walt Disney and George W. Bush in a high-tech super-cooled bunker under the Magic Kingdom at Disney World.