Scientists create sperm from Barbara Walters' sense of humor

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Friday, 1 February 2008


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Lab scientists best known for studies of HRH The Princess Anne's wardrobe and hairstyle choices.

In an astounding breakthrough that sent ripples throughout the worldwide scientific community, UK scientists yesterday announced the creation of viable sperm from an unlikely source: Barbara Walters' near-nonexistent sense of humor.

In an heroic challenge to long-held scientific opinion, a team of spermatologists at the hitherto unpublished Tower Hamlets Lab dared take that unpromising leap into the barren wasteland of Walters' 'humorous gland' in their quixotic quest to create sperm.

Against all rational expectations, their years of research seem to have achieved positive results.

Harim Yakovitch Jabbar, senior spermatologist on this groundbreaking team, had this to say when questioned through the keyhole at the Lab's reclusive Isle of Dog headquarters, "I think, in principle, that sperms is very helpful to the reproductive process."

Still, fellow scientists are hesitant to comment, despite the heady scientific 'smell of success', not rushing to endorse what might turn out to be just another whiffy Isle of Dog turd.

Indeed, the Tower Hamlets Lab facility, locally referred to as "Dog Lab', 'Lab Dog' or 'them buggering Lab twats', has never previously had a single submitted monograph published, despite existing for over fifty years on government grants and numerous Isle of Dog tax hike bills.

Their previous, and unpublished, monograph submissions have been from Dog Lab sources as unusual and varied as their lesbian-only Gynecological Studies team, their Sir Elton John Genome Project and, perhaps best known, their scientific team to study and understand HRH The Princess Anne's wardrobe and hairstyle choices.

So, despite years of hard work, this is Dog Lab's first real whiff of success. But the worldwide scientific community seems hesitant to clearly identify the smell.

Some outside sources suggest the jury is still out.

"I mean really," said a really famous British biologist, "what's the bloody point?

"With very few exceptions, like Tom Cruise and Brittany Spears, healthy human males make thousands of sperms inside their testicles every day."

Our really famous science source then posed the key question that may lie at the heart of this heated debate: "What the bloody hell use is an artificial sperm source, with the real thing so close to, ah, hand?"

When queried on this point, Dog Lab spokesperson and cleaning lady Tiffany Jones admitted that, "we are not quite ready to call this the breakthrough of the century, though we have gotten some really great feedback from online lesbian chatrooms.

"With this new bio-technology, the possibilities for increasing the number and rate of lesbian custody battles are simply astonishing."

She paused, adding, "And, well, Tom Cruise does keep faxing us. There is apparently a lot of genuine interest out there for viable, artificially created sperm."

A more worrisome question seems to be, who will hold the legal rights to, and change the pants of, any quasi-human babies created from sperm created from Barbara Walters. And might not other problems follow in the wake of this historic announcement?

Lab sources suggest that, at the very least, such babies would likely be socially deficient, lacking their own humorous gland. The biological possibilities are indeed troubling, but the legal questions may be insurmountable.

We faxed this article to Ms. Walters for her opinion on the matter.

Her response, after reading this article in full and once we found her home number, was a dry, nasally delivered, "What, is this crap supposed to be funny? I don't get it."

Despite the questions and legion of detractors, it does appear that, if nothing else, the Tower Hamlets Lab spermatology team has indeed tapped into a powerful never-ending source of material.

Tragic Rabbit, Scientific Science Magazine; Tower Hamlets, London

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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