Health Coalition Sues U.S. Treasury Dept -- "paper cash is major source of sickness"

Funny story written by GEOLISTIC

Thursday, 20 December 2007

image for Health Coalition Sues U.S. Treasury Dept -- "paper cash is major source of sickness"
Dirty Money?

WASHINGTON DC. -- An expansive group of health organizations today filed several lawsuits against the United States Government seeking an immediate stop to the circulation of paper money. Members of the group Health Action Coalition are health care providers, researchers, and charities that want the government to stop what they say is "the major source of spreading germs and sickness" in the country.

Legal documents submitted in two courts seek $80 billion per year for the next five years as compensation for the private health care costs associated with paper money. The proceeds will be used to transition the economy to a cashless system.

"We can relieve our citizens and the economy of this expensive burden, second only to cigarettes as a cause of health problems among Americans" stated the group in a released statement.

Studies cited by the group say that "dirty money" annually accounts for millions of worker sick days, unnecessary doctor visits, excessive prescription and over-the-counter medication use, and perhaps even a few hundred deaths from complications.

"All of these needless hardships and expenses can be prevented" stated Carl Johnson, Chief Scientist for the group, "the benefits are huge, and it's time to force government to lead a change in our currency system."

Many studies show that paper money harbors germs and is responsible for transmission of illness. Paper money passes all kinds of mostly viruses, from the common cold to much more sinister diseases. Economies operating without paper currency, Ukraine for example, have vastly reduced communicable illnesses. Ukrainian citizens use plastic "smart cards" exclusively for their money transactions, and never exchange cash.

A statement released by The People's Money, a non-profit organization looking to compete with Visa and the banks hails the lawsuits - "We've been pushing for citizen control of paperless money transactions, this is the first wake up that paper money must go, but what is the replacement? A corporate owned money system is not the answer. If this lawsuit holds we are on the verge of a revolution in how we transact goods and services."

A spokesperson for the Treasury Department appeared stunned by the announcement. "The foundation of the lawsuit threatens the country's stability; it must be rejected by the courts. Until we've had a chance to review the lawsuit we will withhold further comment." Visa Corporation issued a statement praising the lawsuits "as a step in the right direction" and offered to help fund the Health Action Coalition.

Documents submitted to the DC District Court here seek an injunction to halt all currency related operations in the Treasury Department, along with a second filing demanding immediate stoppage of the printing presses at the Bureau of Engraving's (BOE) Washington DC facility. An identical injunction request was filed in the 5th Circuit Court to stop printing at a second BOE plant in Fort Worth, TX.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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