Geneticists discover missing link between Mexican men and chupacabra mountain goats

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Sunday, 4 November 2007


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Researhers discover link between Mexican men and chupacabra mountain goat

Geneticists today reported discovering the missing link between Mexican men and the chupacabra mountain goat. Researchers from MIT (Man, It's Tested) laboratories say that they were tipped off when one of the researchers on the team observed a Mexican man on a roofing crew in North Carolina.

"He was just standing on the edge of a 45 degree-angle pitch roof looking down and talking to another worker as if he were standing flat footed on the ground," the researcher said.

It was also observed by the same researcher that all men on the same roofing crew could attach the ridge cap and roll out the new shingles on the same roof without ever having to get down on their knees or nail a two x four into the roof for extra footing.

A closer observation of the men's feet revealed startling results. When examined, their feet were shaped like goat hoofs slanting downward and tapering off to sharp points on the ends. The men's feet were also reported to having toes that curled under rather than stuck straight out like normal.

When asked for an explanation of this occurrence, researchers say they don't know what may have caused the Mexican men's bodies to adapt in this fashion. But information is being given to Craig Ventor of the Human G-Nome project for analysis.

"We think that it might be a marriage of the chupacabra's instincts and the 'survival of the fittest' mentality that is so prevalent in the world right now," said researcher Dr. Pygmalion Pythagoras. "We have witnessed some pretty grotesque and unusual sights with this kind of marriage."

The aberrations that Dr. Pythagoras was talking about include: people growing knives out of their backs, politicians growing extra hands, feet and bank accounts, babies blowing bubbles out of their mouths that expand over their whole bodies keeping them safe for a lifetime, people making payments for luxury cars, fashion-designer clothes, and McMansions with payments that come literally out of their asses, people driving Hummer's and movie stars with extra breasts and pusses.

Researchers didn't say were they thought the human race was heading, but did offer the following books to read in preparation:

George Orwell's 1984

Douglass Adam's Hitchhiker's Guild To The Galaxy

Men are From Mars and Women are From Very Far, Far Awayby John Gay, or was that Gray?

10 Habits of the World's Most Successful Simpletons and Anti-Conyurbationists by Green party candidate, Ralph Nadar

Why I Threw My Gloves In The Fire by proctologist and vaginal speculum lab supervisor, Dr. Raymond Sphincter

The Only Thing In The Middle of the Road Are Yellow Stripes and Dead Armadillos by former Texas State Agricultural Commissioner, Jim Hightower

Why I Write Satire For Dumb Asses Like You by yours truly, King David (come on, you know I'm just kidding)

Confessions of a Geisha Senator, by Senator Larry Craig

Zen and the Art of Political and Legal Deconstruction by "the dagger in the house," Queen Mudder

Buddhism and the Mormon Philosophy of Pi, by J-man

Alaska: Americas Final Oil Frontier and Site of America's Future Civil War, by "Bong Hits for Alaska," Gnarley Erik

Subsidies for Oil Companies by JTW of College Station, Texas

And Stories in the Balance-Balancing My Life and the Lives of 50 Others by Mark Lowton

From the Skeptics Dictionary of Medieval Chainmail Design a chupacabra is a cross between a goat and a dog and is known in Latin America for it's violent tendencies for attacking and systematically killing animals throughout Latin American countries.

Literally translated (in Spanish) the word means, "goat killer."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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